Sands of the Sandstorm

Living in the same way

2011-07-29T10:39:00.001-07:00

Living your life in the same way for maybe a large part of your life, towards the end of your life, would you regret doing same thing for the many years? Would you yearn for more, that you have tasted the other experience? Or would you regret thinking that you could have lived in another way which is more beneficial? Would you think that you have wasted this life? Or wasted those many years? The thought of having a next life to continue 'living' does not help anymore because you are simply not you anymore. So what would you do? How would you make your decisions, and how well are you going to stand by it?

Would you be satisfied with your life? That is the greatest question. Are you satisfied?

If not, what could we do?

A question to consider

2011-06-14T03:16:00.001-07:00

Is everything not going well for me? Or am I not going well with everything? Hmmmm....

Perfect robots? Reflections on iRobot

2011-06-10T08:42:00.001-07:00

Even robots with perfect codes will go haywire. That is how this world is! Dissatisfactory, imperfect and these decays or changes can happen anytime! So no matter how perfect your programming or engineering is, you cannot create a perfect robot. Because perfect is impossible in this world! This world is marked with dukkha!

However, if you create a council of robots to check on each other in case others go awry, the possibility something will go wrong will drop, but never go away!! There will always be a chance. And a higher chance humans will go wrong. So what do we choose?

Living this life

2011-06-10T08:28:00.001-07:00

To think that you know more, so you should be more important, or treated so, you are making a big mistake! If u refuse to bow to someone who has only knowledge and no insight, it goes to show that your insight is really not enough!! One must be constantly reminded of this! After all, where did I come from, to be so important that 'I' can't lose or my body parts can't touch the ground. Know that 'i' am not so different from the other and harmony is important. Act wisely and only when needed. Do the right thing, say the right thing, to the right person, at the right time. It is a life long learning. I have much to learn, as always :)

Buddhism

2011-06-06T08:52:00.001-07:00

Well, to me, the practice of Buddhism is to realise ourselves. To realise that we are here, not there; we are this, not that. This is who we are, this is what we are. We are only just like this, and these are what we can and should do.

Then we realise that things are also just like this and not like that. Then the only thing left to do is to constantly bring ourselves back to how we and things are and do what we should do.

Honestly speaking....

2011-06-04T07:55:00.001-07:00

Honestly speaking, after all these years of studying Buddhism, i realise that i seriously do not know what buddhism is about! I do not know what the Buddha was talking about, what the ancient teachers were talking about, or what the modern teachers are talking about. I do not know what they are refering to or what meditation or mindfulness is all about. I really have no idea! And don't see what they mean. In the end, i only know what i know. If someone asks me about buddhism, i usually do not know what to say, i only know what i know, what do i know about buddhism? However, to resolve the situation, i just answer with the ancient teachers' answer.

Ultimately, what can i do? One can only live my life based on what one knows. If i ask myself if my understanding is the same as the buddha's or ancients? How do i know really; how can one know?? One can only live one's life based on what one knows. There is no other way. No way to live your life based on something you don't know!

Then i ask myself if i am chasing their tail to understand what they know? I can only say yes. They know something that i don't which helps them. I am chasing that in hope that it can help me too! I want to know the secret that they know! What do i know? Just trying to chase their tail.

The self meets the self

2011-05-23T07:47:00.001-07:00

" there is a study of the river seeing the river. “The river practices and verifies the river; hence, there is a study of the river speaking river. We must bring to realization the path on which the self encounters the self.” We must move back and forth along, and spring off from, the vital path on which the other studies and fully comprehends the other.”"

The self sees the self and knows the self. But that's the only thing he can know because all other things are all other things and all the self is all the self. There is no way that we can know all about the other things but we can know ourselves for ourselves are here and not there. But we must see ourselves and thereby verify ourselves. If we do not see ourselves, then there is no way to verify ourselves. The river is only verified by the river and the self only verified by the self. There is no other way..

FAIL!!!

2011-05-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

You must allow yourself to fail. If can't fail, can't face your own failure, u can't face the failure of anyone else..

Koans

2011-04-21T22:07:00.001-07:00

Koans are very interesting. Working on it, you cut off all things. After having worked through it, the thing is cut off. So it is beneficial to be both working with it and solving it.

Shag to the max

2011-03-09T08:22:00.001-08:00

Shag to the max!! I can feel my head functioning in overdrive to keep me awake and functioning. Time to sleep.

The world at peace.

Sleepy

2011-03-08T15:20:00.001-08:00

Oh man! Damn sleepy. Been watching the korean drama Queen Seon Deok for the last few nights and then other things crop up last night. Hope i can sleep early tonight.

Mindfulness

2011-03-08T15:17:00.001-08:00

Trying to put more mindfulness intoy life. Finally have some idea on what it really is. Realise that it is not something natural but a constant effort thing. I will try hard.

To listen

2011-03-04T17:24:00.001-08:00

I was reading a book called Zen of Business Administration, how zen practice can transform your work and your life.

It is interesting how the author places emphasis on mindfulness not only of oneself, but of others and tells us tgat this will lead us to see and understand our customers or colleagues more deeply. At least that is how i understand it.

The union of yin and yang, or not?

2011-02-18T20:10:00.001-08:00

I always thought the union of an easy going perwon and a picky/not so easy going person would be good since the easy going person can complement the picky person but as it turns out, this might not be true! Because, by nature, the easy going person cannot understand the picky person. The easy going person cannot unnderstand the picky person's like and dislikes because such ways of seeing the world does not exist in the easy going persons' psyche. Thus, we have a big problem where the easy going person asks the picky person for the picky person's opinion on every little thing because he thinks that since he is easy going, he'll let the picky person make the choice. But this would cause the picky person very irritated and think that such small details, can't he decide himself?? But from the easy going person's point of view, he just doesn't want to see the picky person being irritated later and maybe scolding him and being unhappy so he soughts the picky person's opinion.

So there we have a double bind!

A revisit to "The world is but a dream"

2011-01-05T07:06:00.001-08:00

Who would say the world is not a dream and a dream is not the world? As ephemeral a dream is, so is the world, nothing ever stays still, no one knows what is about to happen. Both are marked with the 3 characteristics: impermenant, non-self, without a concrete nature, is dependent originated, suffering/dissatisfactory/imperfect. But there is one thing which never changed and never moved. It cannot be found anywhere but if we search deep within ourselves, we can find it.

Yet knowing this, we cant let go of the fake world, the insubstantial world. The greed, anger and ignorance, which in truth do not amount to anything substantial. We thus go round and round, unable to pull out.

In one MU, he sliced the world in two

2011-01-05T07:03:00.001-08:00

About a decade ago, Keido Fukushima, Zen master of visiting Japanese monastics from Tofukuji monastery shouted right in front of the Zhao Zhou Stupa “mu” (the Japanese pronunciation of “wu”) so loud that it was taken as an unusual tribute to Zhao Zhou.~Buddhism in China Today: The Example of the Bai Lin Chan Monastery, Perspectives, Volume 4, No. 2, Monday, June 30, 2003

HA! Only all sentient beings..

Anger, feelings and I

2010-12-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday night, I had a dream about my work. During working hours, I was just chit chatting with my friend as usual, but my team leader came over and just sort of told me to do work. Well, he is a nice guy so it is in a half joking manner. However, I retorted that we sometimes need a break and it is not that I did not do work! So anyway, then I sort of got into a mildly heated argument with him but i had my anger under control, not losing control. Just letting some heat out. Anyway, it is interesting to note how anger comes up so quickly. And I also thought about what Ven Revata talked about last night, about not participating in the anger and just seeing it as it is. Well, what does this mean?

There are some teachers who teach you to see anger as not "i" elements. Basically realising that the anger is not me. That we do not identify with it. But that i feel is not the best way. Because, in this way, we still see things as "I" and "not I", creating duality still. But then, what is "I", what really is "I"? It is a big mistake still... Seeing things in this way, "I" just become smaller but there is still the I which exists. We should see things just as it really is. What is anger? What is feelings, other than these things that appear in our mind, like the visions of things that appear in our mind, in our world, like pens and chairs and tables. They are just like that. But feelings like anger, they catch on so quickly like they are they are the hook side of the velcro and we, our minds are the cloth side of the velcro. So easy for these feelings to hook on. But they are just as they are. We must see things clearly.

Also, interestingly, when I woke up, I could still feel the fire, like a small irritation could cause it to erupt, really dangerous...

You are

2010-12-15T05:08:00.001-08:00

You are the trees, the tables, the mountains, the clouds, you are everything! But do you realise that you are master Zhaozhou?!! The ancestor passed himself onto you!!

The unhelpful passerby

2010-12-15T05:05:00.003-08:00

Oh no i'm bad, i just saw girl squating on the floor at the train station looking uncomfortable but i din care abt her cos i was rushing for time. Thus i've decided tt next time i will go ask if i can help in anyway because, it doesn't really matter if i am late for work, but at that time, the lady could just b needing someone beside her more. And even if she doesn't need by help, doesn't hurt to ask. At least someone cares.

Grasp hold of it

2010-12-15T05:05:00.001-08:00

This breathless, nameless, tasteless state, thoroughly grasp hold of it!

Ground of Being

2010-12-09T07:04:00.001-08:00

There's been this nagging feeling in me for sime time that i got thoroughly resolve the issue, to get to the base. Yes, i feel it's time, time i got thoroughly to this ground of being, this background, this unmoving place, constantly in flux, yet unmovingly so, where all things are born n died, or are never born n never died. This place, it's about time i finished the job n got there, or rather entered, become thoroughly familiar with it, become it so that i might then function freely in all circumstances without trace. I have to get there! I need to solve the Great Problem of Life n Death n become a real human being again.

New Zen Place

2010-12-08T15:21:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, i visited the sambokyodan zen place of Vivien Boey and Boey Wa Keong which i always wanted to go. I sat with them for an hour out of the 2 hrs that the meditation is supposed to last. Apparently they r quite active, it's in the apartment of the teachers' whr an area is designated as a zendo. They r having sittings every wed nights n alternate sunday mornings. The style n rules r similar to Kwan Yin Chan Lin's (kycl) korean style of Zen Master Seung Sahn whr i practised; sitting facing the wall, bowing in front of the cushions etc, doing 25 min meditation n 5 min walking. Slightly shorter than the 40 min plus 5 min of ZM SS. They hv teisho, dhamma talks on koans every last wed of the month n also hv interviews, called dokusan, like kycl. They have sesshins, 7 day retreats, also in the apartment, in every april n sept whr kubota roshi, the current head of the order comes down to lead. Both the teachers are sanctioned to teach by the order. Looking forward to gg there more often to clarify the great matter!

New sights

2010-12-05T15:55:00.001-08:00

Ohh working people on trains, wearing jackets n shirts, once familiar...

Some stuff on koans

2010-12-05T14:59:00.001-08:00

It is always interesting to hear what people think about zen. While many a times, zen seems to be centering on words and mysterious riddles called koans; in actual fact, zen is not only abt words but actions. It is not only about what we say but what we do and how we do it. In short, how we respond to the situation that is presented in front of us.

One zen master once said that 'opening one's mouth is a big mistake', because zen believes in the liberation from concepts and words only introduces more concepts which leads one away from Truth. Yet, in zen there is also another saying, 'but words are necessary' as without words there is no way to lead people into the practice.

However, zen ultimately values only experience. The heartfelt experience of the emptiness of forms, impermenance, non self and suffering is zen's real aim. This experiences irreversibly changes one's psyche and thus one's response to situations.

Koans, many a times, present situations. Situations that simulate real life situations. A person who has a deep experience responds differently to a situation from a normal person and that is how the answer to a koan is judged to be correct or wrong. It is not a perfect method though and answers can actually be memorised or deduced. However to a good zen master, a keen eyed one, if he suspects that the student merely memorised the answers or copied them from someone, the zen master may ask for an alternative answer or present a koan of a similar situation and press the student for a response. If the student has a clear experience, it would not be difficult to answer in a different way or to another similar koan. If to the first koan, the student merely deduced the answer without the necessary experience, or only has a weak experience, he would be slow in answering other similar koans. If it is found that the person has a weak expeirence or is able to deduce the answers, the zen masters usually present more koans to the student to 'polish' the student's view. I should add a disclaimer here that it is not the case where a student who has passed all the koans would be able to respond to all situations in his life correctly and are 'enlightened' with the Right View. This is because koans are only simulations of situations and are ultimately not the real situations. Thus the real test still lies in facing the situations in one's daily lives. In short, zen masters are not perfect, they are just people who have a clearer view of how things really are compared to regular people. The 'enlightenment' that students in zen stories experience are usually not that of attaining the Right View, but just glimpses of the Right View. We too get these at times, an Aha! moment.

A common misconception people have about koans is that they are word questions, riddles, which are in turn to be answered by word answers. In actual fact, zen adopts the principle: actions speak louder than words. Words are not enough, you have to do something about the situation at hand, not just talk. That's why you sometimes hear zen masters saying things like if you open your mouth, he will hit you 30 times, if you do not say anything, he will also hit you 30 times. He is in fact pushing you to act, do something about the situation (koan) not just talk or not do anything (sometimes not doing anything might also be the answer though). You
might say zen koan training sometimes also teaches you how to deal with situations.

Lastly, if koans still sound like a mystery, as a final attempt to demystify koans, i would like to end off by saying that many of the answers to the initial first level koans are about the present situation. These koans point to the present, current situation, what is happening now, what is in front of you, what are you feeling, what is this current sensation, asking one to be mindful of the present situation, what is happening now, rather than the past or future.

Hope this helps! :)

Holiday ends

2010-12-05T14:57:00.001-08:00

Holiday ends n i am back to work. How i wish i could sleep a little longer. There is this resistance to go back to work. Acty it is not so much of gg bdck to work but gg back to work plus all the extra activities i have like classes etc, the whole barrage of stuff. It's like retreating from samsara n returning to samsara. Ict is so simple you at least know yourself. Samsara is so fast it just blows you along with it regardless of what you want.

ICT

2010-12-05T06:41:00.001-08:00

ICT shows one's true colours. Its is the school of army which provides one with the space to learn about oneself and to reflect. The holiday has ended n one returns to the daily life.
I've been feeling that i have to do something. I have to get deeper down, to completely uproot, completely eradicate, to thoroughly understand, to raise the space to a whole new level.

Understanding and giving

2009-11-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

By watching 2 people I learnt a lesson. One day, Tom and Jerry had a quarel. Tom says he gave Jerry all his cheese and the thing that got him most pissed off is that Jerry is un-appreciative. However, if you ask Jerry, Jerry would complain that Tom is a stingy and selfish fool who keeps hoarding the cheese. So the question is who is right?

The answer is both are right. Why? Let's see.

The true story is that when Jerry asked Tom to give him his cheese, he had a difficult time asking from him. He had to use all sorts of ways to beg and pray and plead with Tom and Tom would not budge an inch. As such, Jerry used a lot of effort and a lot of hardwork to get the cheese from Tom. Until finally, Tom gave Jerry the cheese. After getting the cheese, Jerry once left it unguarded and it was stolen by Mike. Tom thus got very sad and kept nagging at Jerry every other day for the loss of the cheese. And in between this nagging, kept asking Jerry to pay him back the cheese. In the end, Jerry couldn't stand Tom and left him. Tom was left wondering why Jerry left him.

Analysing from Tom's perspective: Tom did give the cheese to Jerry. It is a fact, a truth. Tom was technically right to say that he gave Jerry the cheese. And so Tom does not understand why Jerry says that he is selfish and stingy. Losing the cheese to the careless actions of Jerry, naturally Tom would feel sad as he went through a reat deal of effort and difficulty to gather that amount of cheese.

Analysing from Jerry's perspective: Jerry feels that he went through a lot of suffering trying to get the cheese from Tom and that since they are such good friends, the best in the world, they should help each other out naturally. Why is Tom so reluctant to let go of the cheese? Why does Tom make it so hard for Jerry to get the cheese? After all, each of them worked hard to gather their cheese and it is all for their shared survival. So why is Tom so reluctant. After all, after getting Tom's cheese, Jerry was going to use it to exchange for more and better cheese from his friends.
Furthermore, Jerry did not purposely leave the cheese out in the open for others to steal, he ensured no one was around the area before leaving it there and he felt he was unluckily that the cheese got stolen.

If you ask Tom what he wants, Tom says he feels that his contribution was neglected and taken for granted. He just wants to Jerry to show some form of appreciation and regret for his lack of foresight and losing the cheese that Tom spent so much effort collecting. Tom just wants to hear 'thanks' and 'sorry'.

If you ask Jerry, Jerry feels that he shouldn't be blamed, he had good intentions in mind and it was just his luck. He at the same time is also deeply saddened and disappointed with the loss of the cheese in his hands. He feels that Tom shouldn't blame him for the loss. And Tom as his good friend should comfort him. Thus whenever Tom talks about this issue and mentions the cheese, Jerry gets very upset. Moreover, Tom says he gave the cheese to Jerry, but Jerry feels he earned it from Tom through much hard persuasion. And is quite saddened by Tom's attitude after their many years of friendship.

Well, that is the story of Tom and Jerry and the cheese. What can you draw from the story? Well for me, I learnt that when you say you give something, give willingly and do not take that to be yours again after it has changed hands. I learnt that appreciation is important and to apologise is important.

To always hear from the other party. What happens, the facts are not the truth. The truth to a person is his perception of things. To Tom, his giving the cheese is the truth. To Jerry, he struggled to get the cheese is the truth. So what is the truth? Can we say who is right and wrong? From the facts, both are right.

To always put down your ego and help each other out. To always say explicitly what you want from the other party. Tom never told Jerry what he wanted. And even if he did, Jerry never heard. Vice-versa, Jerry never told Tom what he wanted from him and Tom would not have heard too, being too concerned with his own well-being and damaged heart through the loss. So to end in the 2 good friends parting ways, is it really very hard to fanthom why? It just takes some listening, some true giving and some understanding.

Most importantly I feel, it takes putting down a person's I, My, Me. The person's big ego. The ego was the thing clouding their judgements. That's why in the end, I always turn to the Buddhist teachings which teach the method to take away one's ego from the equation and have a more harmonious, understanding world, and to have less sufferings. I believe, this is the way to living a better, happier and more fulfilling life for oneself and those around oneself.

Chan Master Xitang Zhizang (西堂智藏禅师)

2009-11-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

【西堂智藏禅师】
　　虔州西堂智藏禅师，虔化廖氏子。八岁从师，二十五具戒。有相者睹其殊表，谓之曰：「骨气非凡，当为法王之辅佐也。」师遂参礼大寂，与百丈海禅师同为入室，皆承印记。
　　一日，大寂遣师诣长安，奉书于忠国师。国师问曰：「汝师说甚么法？」师从东过西而立。国师曰：「秖这个更别有？」师却从西过东边立。国师曰：「这个是马师底，仁者作么生？」师曰：「早个呈似和尚了也。」寻又送书上径山，﹝语在国一章。﹞属连帅路嗣恭延请大寂居府，应期盛化。师回郡，得大寂付授衲袈裟，令学者亲近。僧问：「马祖离四句、绝百非，请师直指西来意。」祖曰：「我今日劳倦，不能为汝说，得问取智藏。」其僧乃来问师。师曰：「汝何不问和尚？」僧曰：「和尚令某甲来问上座。」师曰：「我今日头痛，不能为汝说，得问取海兄去。」僧又去问海。﹝百丈和尚。﹞海曰：「我到这里却不会。僧乃举似马祖。祖曰：「藏头白，海头黑。」马祖一日问师曰：「子何不看经？」师曰：「经岂异邪？」祖曰：「然。虽如此，汝向后为人也须得。」曰：「智藏病思自养，敢言为人。」祖曰：「子末年必兴于世。」师便礼拜。马祖灭后，师唐贞元七年，众请开堂。李尚书尝问僧：「马大师有甚么言教？」僧曰：「大师或说即心即佛，或说非心非佛。」李曰：「总过这边。」李却问师：「马大师有甚么言教？」师呼李翱！李应诺。师曰：「鼓角动也。」师普请次，曰：「因果历然，争柰何！争柰何！」时有僧出，以手托地。师曰：「作甚么？」曰：「相救！相救！」师曰：「大众！这个师僧犹较些子。」僧拂袖便走。师曰：「师子身中虫，自食师子肉。」僧问：「有问有答，宾主历然。无问无答时如何？」师曰：「怕烂却那！」﹝后有僧举问长庆，庆云：「相逢尽道休官去，林中何曾见一人？」制空禅师谓师曰：「日出太早生。」师曰：「正是时。」师住西堂，后有一俗士问：「有天堂地狱否？」师曰：「有。」曰：「有佛法僧宝否？」师曰：「有。」更有多问，尽答言。有曰：「和尚恁么道莫错否？」师曰：「汝曾见尊宿来邪？」曰：「某甲曾参径山和尚来。」师曰：「径山向汝作么生道？」曰：「他道一切总无。」师曰：「汝有妻否？」曰：「有。」师曰：「径山和尚有妻否？」曰：「无。」师曰：「径山和尚道无即得。」俗士礼谢而去。师元和九年四月八日归寂。宪宗谥大宣教禅师。穆宗重谥大觉禅师。

[五灯会元 - 宋·普济]

I did a rough translation of the highlighted part:

When the Master was living at Xitang, there was a layman who asked him, "Is there Heaven and Hell?"

The Master replied, "Yes."

Next the layman continued to ask,"Is there the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha?"

To this, the Master answered,"Yes"

To other such questions, the Master answered similarly.

Then the layman asked,"Why does the Master answer in this way? Isn't there something wrong?"

The Master asked the layman,"Have you met up with any venerable masters before coming here?"

The layman answered,"Yes, I questioned Master Jingshan before coming here."

Master,"And what did he say?"

Layman,"He answered no to everything."

Master,"Do you have a wife?"

Layman,"Yes."

Master,"Does the Master Jingshan have a wife?"

Layman,"No."

Master,"That's why it is all right for Master Jingshan to answer no."

The layman bowed to express his gratitude and left.

How true this is. Knowing when you are a monk then be a monk, when you are a lay person then be a layperson! The Dharma of a lay person and a monk is different.

New books blog

2009-05-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hi guys, I have just set up a new buddhist books blog at www.emanrohebooks.wordpress.com with the aim of re-distributing buddhist free distribution books and re-selling second hand buddhist books. Other than that, it also contains my book reviews on the buddhist books that I have read. Please do check it out and if you are interested in any of the titles there, please feel free to just drop me a mail! Thanks!

Round

2009-03-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

...on and on, the world meditates.....

.

2009-03-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, tough. Where am i? What am I doing? It's time to sleep. Tmr it comes again. It seems time is controlling my life now and it leaves me with no choice...Today, I had renewed determination to live my life again. And so i will..

a description of meditation

2009-02-23T05:32:00.000-08:00

meditation is --XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX----XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX--XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx-XXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXX-XXXXX-XX-XXXXXXX--X----------X--XX----X---XXXXX--XX--XX_XXXX-XX------------------------------------------------------------------------------XXXXX--------------------------------------------------------------------XXX---------------------XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------then WOAH woa wAo WOAH ----xxxxxx----oooooOOOOOoooOooooHA!!---x-----hahahahaha--x-------oh....----x-----

cos meditation is v boring steady..like this--> -------------
then much pain and suffering xxxxxxxx, body suffering and mind suffering
then suddenly got something then WOAH!
then suddenly understand many things woa wAo WOAH
then go back to steady again..----------
then see more things so oooOOOOoooOOOooo
then HA! understood something
then maybe haha haha haha too cos v happy and carefree

the Love

2009-02-10T04:52:00.000-08:00

Recently after getting attached, looking at tv dramas with couples, i sort of have a better and more intimate idea what is happening between the couple. Even listening to songs on love and missing each other, getting back together, i understand more too. Things i nv understood before.

Anyhow, my girlfriend is great!! She has many hidden qualities that no one knows and can make u feel very loved and sayanged with her eyes and body language. So she is really great!! (for now) I absolutely LOVE her!! :)

Guitar

2009-02-03T06:23:00.000-08:00

Thinking of learning the Guitar since i am on industrial attachment and am freer! Haha! Hopefully I will continue to be free at night and have no homework from my company.

Linked Karma

2009-02-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

I think that when 2 ppl are together as in couple, their Karmas become intricately linked. The more they are together, the more linked it becomes and they can easily affect each other's karma too in good and bad ways.

Hmmm....reflecting on the karma of singaporeans, I think we have a lot of people karma cos we are very densely populated. A lot of ppl karma can be good and bad, not necessarily good or bad. Unlike some who stay in the country side who dun have much ppl karma and have more time with the few ppl that they interact with or by themselves. So that is our karma.

Seeing moment to moment

2009-02-03T06:06:00.000-08:00

There is nothing.....just constant practice.

Bringing oneself back to the point. All other things disappear. But the process to get to the point and getting to it are all a different matter. Sometimes it is just so difficult...Different karma...

Recently I bought a book on the Sayings of the great Zen Master Joshu (Zhaozhou/Joju). His speech is incredible! Not left and not right. Very clear. Somehow it seems that I am starting to lose interest in Dharma books that teach expedient methods..I am only interested in mainly Zen books and books that deal with solid Dharma. Also, not to forget biographies of masters. I LOVE biographies!!

Meditation is very good for the mind and heart. But practice is necessary. The more u practice it, it's capacity to help u increases. If you practice only a little, it's capacity to help u also remains little. That's what i experience. So practice!

Invincibility

2009-01-08T06:01:00.001-08:00

I have always felt..
stress is a sign of a weakness being present
If one is truly invincible, one wun be stressed in any situation..
so if one wants to be stressless, one cant have any weaknesses.
To have a form is to have a weakness.
To have an idea is similarly so.
So if one wants to be truly stressless, one has to be invincible.
To be invincible, one must not have a form or have anything tangible which can be grabbed upon and used by others.

Some think that to be invincible, one needs to be strong, build up resistances and defences.. But walls and defenses will one day crumble and are always vulnerable.. to be walless and defenseless is the ultimate strength.

Being without, nothing can touch you. Even being something is alr a weakenss..

Back pain!!!

2008-12-25T01:53:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHH! Back pain!!! Been like this for almost a week alr...thot i was going to recover a few days ago but it came back even worse!! Will be going to see the doc tmr. Even had difficulty getting down from bed. Terrible!! It all started with a sneeze. Really old alr..and also i think there is some problem with my back..got to get it treated.

Zen retreat 2

2008-12-18T05:32:00.000-08:00

12 Dec First night, reached at 10 plus. Managed to steal some sleep on the car while on the way here. Shi fu kindly sent us here. Talked and learnt quite a bit of dharma in the car abt how to set a direction and follow a path thru and thru and dun give up. Shi fu always emphasized not giving up. bathed late. My phobia of the dirtyness of the place was coming back. Here with kwek, wl, mf, and hy. Kept my push up regime. Time to sleep.

13 Dec woke up with a shock. Washed up and sat for the first meditation. Was good for the first 10 min and slept thru the rest. At least the bowing was good. May have an ans for who am i. Eating the oryoki style was rather fun but a bit unclean. Early mornin meditation was terrible. Was practically dreaming through the whole thing. Maybe too sleepy.. Got to do something abt it. I don't have many chances. Have to make each one worth it! Yup got it in the interview. Passed a few kong an. So it is indeed that zen is nothing special. My meditation wasn't that wonderful at first. But it got much better after the interview. I think i now know how to meditate the zen style. Seems like the masters have always been talking abt it. Just had the quick lunch once again. All meals quick. Afternoon sitting was at first good then slowly to bad. The first sitting went fast. I think because of the breathing exercises we did earlier. The last sitting was sheer torture. Imagining stuffs... Just found out that communicating with the outside is not allowed so sneaking around. just had dinner. Just like a race. Today thought that the place is quite nice, cool, windy and all. And not as dirty due to the many ppl doing the cleaning. Night sitting was fine. Today had an insight into the what am i question. Will check with shi fu tmr. ZMDQ has left. But it is nice seeing him face to face at least once. He looks like a jolly guy. I figured the secret today for staying concentrated is sufficient sleep and aiming to have strong centre. Tonight was dharma talk by shi fu. No new insights. That's all sleep.

14 2nd day. ZM DQ has gone back so shifu will be conducting interviews today. Everyone gets a interview each day. Last time i couldn't pass the mu kong an under him. Don't know if will pass this time. Anyway, early morning sitting was all right. The second sitting was a little sleepy, dreaming, but overall it was ok. Did not sleep well last night. Got to go sleep. Through this meditation, i realised how dangerous thots can be. If i let some thots grow, they can take the whole retreat with it. Got whacked in meditation for the first time on the shoulders, it wasn't as hard and useful as i expected it to be..oh well...next time maybe i try the back. It is a rainy day today. Tic tac tic tac on the roof. My shit is done. Morning sitting was good. If i am right, getting into the groove alr. But as usual law of diminishing marginal returns. Afternoon sitting was fine. But interview was bad. Din even touch on yesterday's kongan. Got stuck at some other very basic function kong an. Dun really like those kinds of kong ans....hai... Sad.. But after the night's talk, i think should just work hard. Had a faith crisis for a moment till i remembered the 3 pillars of great faith, determination and doubt.. Maybe just do it la.. Just carry on practising even though cannot see the end or the goal..they are fasting tmr.. I am not. Donno will have bad repercussions or not.. Anyway, nightz.

15 3rd day. Decided to just go ahead regardless. Today early morning sitting was bad. First sitting was still ok, struggling albeit. Second sitting was disastrous. Kept on dreaming. I had to resort to counting breaths. Even so, i missed quite some breaths. I remembered that when i was younger, i never had problems with counting breaths. I could count all the way to 400 plus without missing a single breath. Now it is not so...maybe go catch some sleep, it'll be better. I don't know if it is me or what, but i tend to hold a kong an only for a few hours and will just settle for an ans, never being able to hold it overnight or something....gf din reply to sms last night.... So thinking abt it a bit too...hmmm so this is what outside communication does to your practice. But it is necessary. So what is correct situation? Hai... Oh just now at the second early morning sitting i volunteered to get whacked on the back by the head monk. Wasn't very useful..only stung for a while then back to sleepy. Morning sitting was good. Had interview. Solved a few kong ans. I think like 2 new ones? The old 5 fingers one still not solved. Reviewing through the kong ans that i solved, it seems that there is indeed a link and a kind of mind needed to solve these kong ans. To only don't know...i am getting am inkling as to what it is. I think i have to practice more... It is very obvious in the mu kong an i think. So just carry on. But the question is can i maintain this don't know mind till the next retreat at least a year later. i've got to really work hard. Starting not to be so attached to kong an maybe cos shi fu gave me a small clue.. But i think in actual fact it is not so important. Constant practice is more important. Afternoon sitting was excellent! The best sitting ever. I stablelised with the teaching of 'when bodhidharma sat at sorim for 9 years, he did not believe anything that arose in his mind'. In the diamond sutra, it is said that this world is like a dream, so why attach? But the truth is still the truth. And with the breathing method stablelised, i was able to meditate quite well. Time passed rather fast and i was quite clear. If anything arose, we should wake up to the truth and keep clear. Keep clear and let manifest the 16 foot golden buddha statue (let your Buddha nature manifest in your daily life and acivities to the fullest). I should take the next few days to stablelise more. Then it is come back next year or donno when. Today night sitting was fine. Just thinking if maybe my meditation might be missing the mark. Shifu today gave a great faith, great doubt, great effort talk. Motivated me to work harder and find my head. While chanting at night just now i realised that my practice not only can benefit me, but also can benefit those around me cos when i am strong, i can support my family, loved ones and friends. So i only have 3 days left. I should work hard and put down my opinions and find my 'missing head'. Ok that's all for today night!

16 early morning sitting was not bad too. Just a bit more stray thoughts. But my friend's sitting was not so good. Karmic hindrances.. The first time i was here, i also cut my stay short by a few days. This time my sitting was good. My friend was contemplating on staying or not but decided to stay after all. A bit happy, cos if he stays then i do not need to do translation. A bit selfish but yea. Haha. But how i hope he can master his mind. He thinks a lot and very fast... A bit difficult...the methods that i am used to may not work for him... The other of my friends are leaving today.. Hopefully they have gained. Haha, a small part of me also hopes they have not gained and solved to the same level as me, yea selfish, i know..hai....got to work more on this...hope everyone gains, seen and learnt something useful..ok yes a few more sessions. I got to work hard! Morning sitting was fine, a bit more sleepy and a bit more pain. Before my friends left, one of them suggested we do the 108 bows which we din do this morning cos all the other ppl were fasting. So we did and it took up my sleeping time in the morning time. So i was a little sleepy. Ldmr, but still managed to stay rather awake compared to last time tho i kept on yawning. Just wake up! Keep clear! Just now was looking through a kong an book. Got a few kong an can answer, a few cannot answer... Don't know whether correct or not. So a bit scared for later's interview. Alamak :s still make quite some few mistakes i think...have to ans shifu's kong an later... keep clear! Just do it! Yes! Don't check they say..have faith in my own experience..haha! Passed the five fingers kong an! And another. Got new homework. Got tricked by the teacher again..Getting to be better in concentration. Seems like the truth is everywhere indeed so focusing on the truth and breath, one can meditate. The truth is always fresh and clear. Just now the head monk re emphasized cannot use hp. Haha! Then someone looked at me. Then head monk recommend if really need use, then use at car park which when i went there, got already ppl there using! Haha! So i think it is the girls side kena complained. Then he also talked abt not talking abt other school's mediation method here. I see the guys side din do this so is most likely the girls. Night sitting was good. Actually i think i can only keep my concentration for like half min max each time. But i am getting the idea and my conc is enough to deal with leg pains. Today shi fu din give talk and wun give until after i go alr.. So we sat. I started thinking of going out stuff alr.. Affected my meditation a bit. Keep having to keep clear. Think i got from this meditation more than i asked for alr. Now i know how exactly to meditate alr but still scared may lose it in the hustle and bustle of life. So must maintain maybe 20 to 30 min of sitting per day. Remember all the key ideas of direction, keep clear, just do it. Never believe in the mind and breathe deep, keep strong centre. Yup ok, i think that's all for tonight. Well done for today. hmmm... One more thing, i seem to have achieved a lot this retreat. Scared may get complacent. Must look out. And everyday, before i meditate, i also look to my teachers from shinnyo-en for their protection and strength. I think it helps. Altho my understanding is not thorough, hopefully i dun stray when i go out.. That's all for tonight. Nightz!

17 early morning sitting was bad, first sitting had runny nose but still managed to sit after some time. Second sitting runny nose got better but started to get sleepy. Had the head monk to hit me but not much use. After hitting tho, my runny nose came back so was not sleepy anymore but dealing with runny nose. Hope it recovers soon. Today got much more mosquitoes than the last few days. But still less then the last time during my first retreat. Morning sitting was not too good rather distracted. Cant pass the flag kong an and another new one too..during today's sitting, another thing appeared. While hearing the bell for interview ring, seeing the trees sway. I suddenly had an insight into what i think is the not moving mind or mind ground.. I think this might be the aim. To clarify the mind ground. During afternoon sitting, i looked at the tree again for the first sitting.. In the end i think i might have got too attached to the tree or something and nothing happened. Then the second sitting, i tried again harder but got sleepy instead whereby i went back to the breathing deep and i got better. I changed my sitting cushion and position from a low flat cushion to a high slanted cushion and from a double lotus to a loose single lotus. I did not have back and leg pain, which i always had throughout these days but my right leg which was on top went numb. Think the cushion was too high. I also realised that when i returned to my third sitting, concentrating on my breathing, when it was stable, i looked up and saw the flags in the wind and had the mind ground feeling again, the non attachment feeling. However, compassion seems missing. After the sitting, i went bathing, and i saw 2 mosquitoes in the bath room. The fear was still there. Nothing has changed for that one. Hmmm.. I know that though i am able to ans the kong ans, i know that my understanding remains intellectual and not the real true deep understanding. I think i need more practice..more practice.. Are the mountain and the trees different? That is the problem. The ancestors has shown the path and the truth and the way. But i still cant get it..yea..more deeper practice. Just now had a the longest talk with my friend b4 night session abt kong ans.. Donno whether correct or not..never mind.. But the result was that my night first session was not v good. Spent a good 20 min reviewing my speech.. Then, couldn't really conc alr.. Then suspected if my steam is running out as the whole day also not too good. Second session decided to conc on breathing deep again. Managed to do it. Started to review what i learnt here, reviewed my kong an home work and thought of donno mind. I actually know what is it le..hai..it's so simple: Just do something fully without any thoughts. that's it. Even meditation also is just staying in donno mind while breathing deep to build strong centre so can always keep clear. Then some times look around just stay with the input of your senses with donno mind, not naming or identifying anything, which is usually the first thing that our mind does.. That's it. But the teachings of correct direction, keep clear, just do it, try try try all need strong centre and cultivation of donno mind thru practice. And with donno mind one attains the truths and together with strong centre, one is able to discern the kong ans and solve them and not fall into any tricks. To solve the kong ans, one needs to identify the correct situation, then decide the correct function and or relationship, all there with clear mind. But kong ans are just riddles of situations which supposed to mimic real life situations where all the teachings of this school of zen is supposed to be used. Ok that's all. Fingers tired, rest. Last day. Yes! Gf haven't reply.. Sleep..nightz.

18 last day, leaving at noon. Early morning sitting was bad, plagued by thoughts of going home and gf only to the last 10 min of the 2nd session of the early morning then managed to recover. Managed to clear one kong an. The flag one still not cleared. My teaching ans is not good it seems.. Now on the way home. Feel calmer than before retreat. Can freely do meditation with the circumstances and situation that i am in. Quite amazing, what i have learnt. Thank you everyone :)

What is sad? What is happy?

2008-11-01T21:26:00.001-07:00

An ancient once said,"What is sad? What is happy?"

Today sad, tomorrow happy. Nothing more than a passing thought or emotion. If you think you are sad, and thinking, you continue to be sad. No thinking, no sad. Important thing is to break the train of thought.

More important than that, an ancient once said, "Not to be attached to anything which arises in the mind."

Today got great attachment to this. Tomorrow asking where did the great attachment go. Today this tomorrow that. Let go of all attachments and the world becomes clear again.

Sadness is good Dharma. It is where the Buddha first started his teaching.

AH..

2008-11-01T12:14:00.001-07:00

SAd....

Noble 8 Fold Path from Cattarisaka Sutta

2008-09-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

Today, I went for the class on the Noble 8 Fold Path by Bro Piya and came back really happy. All my life i have been a Buddhist, and have studied and heard of the 8 Fold Path many times. But today, Bro Piya taught from the sutta directly, the Cattaridaka Sitta(Discourse on the Great Forty).

It is very interesting, a new way of learning and using that brings a new dimension. It is a sutra that the Buddha started talking without being asked a qustion. It is VERY systematic so I'll try to summarise its structure here. But if you want to know the defination, please look up the sutta.

First, the Buddha told the monks that He'll teach them Noble Right Concentration and its supports and requisites today...

And how does one get Right Noble Concentration?
Through the cultivation of the 7 Noble Right Paths which are the supports and requisites that He was talking abt just now.

So, He started by telling them and defining first what is Right View, then Right Intention, then Right Speech, then Right Action and finally Right Livelihood.

And in each of this 5 paths path, He would explain two ways of practicing the path.

1. The Right _____ with mental influxes, partaking of merit and ripening in acquisistions(of aggregates).

2. The Right _____ which is Noble without mental influxes, supramundane , a path factor.

The first is the mudane, normal day, normal guy method of the path. The next is the high level, high class method of the path.

Next, at the end of every path, he would say,

"One who makes an effort to give up _______(give up this particular wrong path) to cultivate the __________(cultivate the particular right path), this is one's right effort"

and

"One who is mindful gives up _______(give up this particular wrong path) to dwell cultivating __________(cultivate the particular right path), this is one's right mindfulness"

then He would basically say that:

Right View with Right Effort with Right Mindfulness is the way to cultivate this particular Right Path.

So this way of speaking is repeated 5 times for Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action and Right Livelihood.

Finally, after cultivating all these 7 Right Paths, one gets Right Concentration.

And, next, get Right Concentration to do what?
To cultivate Right Knowledge and Right Liberation then gain Arahanthood.

There, the 10 Rightness is completed. *Bow*_(|)_

It is really Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!! Excellent!!! Everything is explained systematically and clearly.

But do you get what I mean? If you don't ask me next time or google the sutta yourself.

The other interesting thing is that in the Right Livelihood, I usually only learn of only Right occupation/job. Which is not to engage in jobs which violates the 5 precepts or cause them to be violated eg.dealing in arms, in beings, in meat, in intoxicants and poisons. However, in the sutra there is more, not to engage in

1. Deceitful pretensions(to attainments),
2. Flattery(for gain),
3. Subtle insinuation or hinting (for gain),
4. Pressuring (for offerings), and
5. Pursuing gain for gain.

However, this applies more to the monastics. But it is really interesting, because I do 2,3,4 and 5 all the time while scheming of ways to obtain things. So it is really an eye opener today. Really interesting. Thanks Bro. Piya!! Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!

Ritual 2

2008-09-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

Well, after writing about the post about rituals the night before, while I was offering the incense this morning, I fell into a common error. I call it using your brain to offer. You see, I was thinking too much abt the offering, thinking too much abt the perfect offering according to what i wrote. Using thinking to generate the offering mind. In fact, it should not be this way.

While doing my evening chanting just now, I observed again and found that there is a method that I use. The feeling of offering is generated just before the offering and it is not the thought or idea of offering. It is a feeling which arises not from the head but from the heart. If you have any experience of meditation on feelings, you will get what i mean. So you generate a feeling, have a feeling, let it flow and flood through you, and then do the offering or chanting or dedication of merits. That is how it could be done. However, once you are familiar with the process, the generation of feeling part can be completed in a shorter period of time. Some also use the first few lines or moments in the chant to generate the feeling. The important thing here is the feeling of offering, of giving. The chant or ritual/action may be meaningless to you intellectually, but because of the feelings invested, it is meaningful. That is how it should be. At least as far as i know or my level of practice is concerned. So a ritual is actually a very personal thing and very feeling based thing and not an intellectual, mind thing. So the best is not to try to understand it from that way. Try to feel the ritual, not understand it intellectually. That is why rituals is an integral part of esoteric Buddhism. My master explains that esoteric means inside, deep, feelings, not surface and intellectual. Esoteric touches the heart of things, and comes from the heart.

Sorry if it is confusing. I know that in the first post, I keep talking about the mind. But this is the problem with a chinese translation into english. The word 心 in chinese is used which is usually translates into mind. However, it actually encompasses heart and mind. So when I speak of mind, it is not intellectual mind. It is heart mind, body mind but not intellectual thinking mind. Intellectual mind is not useful most of the time when pursuing religion.

Rituals

2008-09-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

The 100th post will be on rituals. I just came back from a Homa service. It is basically an intense fire ritual said to be able to purify our minds bring us good fortune.

I have been thinking why I like rituals so much...Well....I think it all started from the day when at NTU's Dharma camp, when we wanted to present a gift to the Venerable at Palelai Temple, the Venerable said that this gift should not be a gift to me because I have preached the Dharma(not the exact words but the meaning is the same). The Dharma is priceless. And it should not be a gift to me. When you present it, present it to the whole sangha community. Think of it in such a way. Also, when the person is presenting it to me, do not think that HE is presenting it to me. Partake in this offering and view it as we are also presenting it to him together with the representative.

This forms the backbone of rituals. It is a bit of mudita, sympathetic joy, but more than that even. In rituals, if there is someone performing the ritual, study and know its significance yourself and you should view that you and the person performing the ritual are not separate from him or her, when the person is moving, you are moving(while not literally moving),watch the person closely, when the person is chanting, you are in concentration, perfectly in union with the person performing the ritual. Whatever the person does, you partake in it. YOU ARE IT! Mind, body and heart. That is how a participant should be in a ritual. Being one, your merit is limitless.

If you are the one doing the ritual, there must be full concentration on the action. In a wave of the hand, there is only a wave, the whole body and mind is waving. In the forming of a mudra, there is the mind body and heart all in it, not separate. The concept of union and separate does not even exist at that time of doing. Nothing at all, just that. Intention, movement and all in unison. With the chanting of the mantra, the mind has nothing, just the mantra. One way of chanting is to hear the pure words. The other is to summon out the pure intention. It is so with rituals too....

In rituals, the mind is in complete movement/stillness.. The hands move but it never actually did. There is just it...or for some, the projection, with all your mind and heart and action and speech. There is just that, the demonstration.

That is how rituals are done and should be partaken in from what I know. It is only through true participation in a ritual that one can gain the benefits of it. It is indeed sad that many of the Buddhists these days do not see or think much of ritual and undermine its use.

If it is still unclear, I shall describe the example of the offering of incense. In offering the incense, we take the incense in our hand, with one stroke right to the end, light it with the flame, looking at the flame. Then look at the red burning part, with another swift stroke right to the end, flick the fire off. Form the incense offering mudra and with the pure heart of offering, raise the mudra to the point between your eyebrows and place the incense in the burner. The ritual is complete. Nothing more, nothing less. The form may vary but the heart and mind and the cleanness of the stroke are the essentials.

The movements reflect the mind.
So movement is none other than mind.
And the mind is the ritual.
That is all. After the ritual is done, it is done.

My dear Buddhism

2008-09-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! I love buddhism sooooo much. Spent the last few days watching Buddhist videos, downloading buddhist videos, buying buddhist books etc.

Got one book by Shibayama Roshi on the Mumonkan, one tranlation of Dogen by Tanahashi, one commentary by Ven Tich Nhat Hanh(Nothing to do, nowhere to go) on the Record of the Zen Teachings of master Rinzai(Linji), one book on Rituals and lithurgy called Bringing the Sacred to Life By John Daido Loori, and another book which is the english translation of Soko Moringa's autobiography. I just LOOOOVE biographies, they detail the steps a master took to become a master.

Recently I just finished Ajahn Lee's Autobiography. Finally!

And I am also reading this book by Chong An Sunim: The Flowers and the Bee. I like this book a lot, it is very down to earth Dharma. Very simple and clear. I just like the style of Chong An Sunim. Got a few videos of him.

Haha, as you can see, I have been chasing after externals of Buddhism for the last few weeks. When will I make other ppls' words my own?

Oh yea, I also got some videos of Shodo Harada Roshi. Very interesting. Never really noticed him until now. A disciple of the Master Yamada Mumon. Din know such a master existed until now.

Oh....my english has been rather terrible lately, can't even express something in proper english. Got to do something about it. Hmmm....change...

Watch..

Meditation Class in NUS!!

2008-09-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

In order to concentrate on one style of meditation, I typically don't go for classes of other meditation styles. However, hearing how good Ajahn Keng was, I decided to go down to check him out.

Indeed, after the meditation session by him, I realise that there is not much difference in meditation at the beginning level. He taught us to concentrate on our breath and keep our attention there, how we can analyse our thoughts and actions in our daily life and so on. All the basic stuff, but the long term practice, long time to master stuff. It was really a great experience, sitting there, hearing a monk talk, laugh, meditate, contemplate.. Some of the stuff he said about situations and how we should face them as a Buddhist is all very useful. The part about our training being in our everyday lives, our actions, when he said it, though i have heard before, with my present experience, I feel it more strongly.

In the end, with a joy that seems to bubble up from my heart to my whole being, I left the session happily. Thinking how nice it would be if he can come every week. Learning Dharma in the campus, this is really learning Dharma in the campus. It is during such a time, I truely love and appreciate my being able to stay on campus and hear such good Dharma. It is indeed food for the heart. A great blessing as it is said in the Mangala Sutta. Hopefully, more ppl can come to listen to this Dharma talk. Hopefully those that com will not leave unsatisfied. Hopefully my friends who do not stay on campus will continue to come for the meditation course and may they not face any conflict or resistance in trying to come to hear this good Dharma.

But then again, haha, I read in Ajahn Chah's 'A Still Forest Pool' that he once told his disciple who wanted to hear him more often that if he came often, they would also find him boring! Haha!

Friction

2008-09-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

It is interesting how we respond so readily to another party's bad attitude with bad attitude and how relationships get so easily affected by words. Maybe because the relationship is weak, maybe the people are sensitive, maybe the parties are bad with words.

Whatever the case, as a Buddhist practitioner and more importantly a Zen student, it is very impt that I should not get attached to words and should not be trapped in mental situations that other ppl present to me. How could I make such a mistake?? It is indeed a terrible mistake. Now I see the severity of it, the situations that happen before my eyes, how blind am I to them. I have really got to pracctice harder.

Should have known, my master had warned me to be careful of my words during this period of time as this is a time of much friction between me and others. It is indeed unfolding as what my master had warned of. _(|)_ But it is indeed great Buddhist training. Hopefully while I am working on my flaws, no one is sacrificed. This i hope with all sincereity.

To all those whom I have offended whether in speech, action or thought, I sincerely apologise and ask for your forgiveness. I promise that I will work hard to eliminate my flaws. But if I make any mistakes along the way, please point it out to me and have patience with me. Thank you.

Summoning the earth touching mudra

2008-09-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

Damn, the schedule is tight! Got to work damn hard!!! Sorry everyone but I need to work hard this sem and especially this week and put in some focus effort like TS.

To know what you nid to do and do what you nid to.

Have to master the essence of the earth touching mudra.

Hiayhh!!!!!!! With my eat milk strength, JUST DO IT!!

Ok man, going back to study mode emanrohe.

Understanding

2008-09-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Sigh.... don't understand!But I do, just that it is not my time yet! Hahaha! When I am in a similar state of mind, I will naturally behave in a similar fashion. So how can I say that I do not understand when in fact I do understand very well. It is only when we go through it with the circumstances and all the same factors involved that we truely know what is happening. And when we do, we can truely understand and sympathise with ppl. Till then...

Why do we get sucked into situations all the time, sucked into the jail that our 6 senses, thinking and feelings create for us. Reading the Zen Teachings of Rinzai, he equates a Dharma Combats to be like sucking ppl into situations and keeping a clear mind. How similar to real life. How I wish that I can be clear all the time. When is the day I wonder...

Back from retreat into the real world

2008-09-10T08:43:00.001-07:00

Ah...it's been a long time since I have posted anything. Let me start from after the retreat, after the retreat, I was really great and could put my meditation to great use dealing with worldly problems and i meditated a lot everyday, almost 30 min every morning. I was very happy and carefree everyday.

However, as i took on more duties or rather more duties piled on me, my meditation got less. I was thinking that since tdy no time, nvm, tmr. So keep on tmr but i try to meditate all the time still and would usually meditate if there is nothing in particular that morning to do. However, moments of deep concentration still happened. I rmb there was a time where I truely understood the meaning of now when Bro Piya mentioned that we were like in heaven in his class. It was truely so. When he said that, all my past fell away, my future became unimportant and i was just there sitting in an airconditioned room listening attentive to him teaching the dharma. In that moment, my mind was as if a great burden had dropped and i suddenly became v happy.

Now as i write this, my term has ended. the new committee has taken over and i have taken the back seat. It is indeed heartening to se the new committee take over, yet, I still find myself being very kepo when it is time to take on a new role and move on. Correct function, correct relation, correct action.

I have also got a room in school. Feel very great, peaceful. With an altar at my table, i do my morning rituals and evening rituals. A good way to start and end the day. I have always liked these rituals, unlike the modern Buddhist who donot understand the essence and spirit behind these rituals. Every ritual is an expression of the mind and the spirit. Every step requires great mindfulness. It is a training to strengthen both mindfulness, faith, and reduce one's ego. Also, i think if this goes on, i'll build in more and more rituals and it will become difficult to follow for the next generation and the essence will be lost again. As such, ritual, i feel is a very personal thing.

Here in hostel, I spent almost 2/3 to 4/5 of the day alone, not talking. This is really true destress and peace. Great indeed!!

My first Zen and meditation retreat

2008-09-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

July 3: Nothing much, arrived on that day by the last boat of the day, luckily I met Lee, if not I would not be able to find my way to the place as there were no taxis left by that time at the new harbour. Must call the security to call in the cab. If not call the temple to call a cab for us.

July 4: Legs were getting more and more painful but I stuck with using the double lotus. Think the answer to Mu is the thing in front of you. It is very hot, we had to sit in the main Dharma Hall for afternoon session meditation. There were just so many mosquitoes and houseflies, totally irritating. One housefly even went into my shirt from my sleeve.

July 5: Could not concentrate for the morning sittings. Changed many methods to meditate on Mu:

1. Repeat the story of the koan over and over again many times

2. Count 1 breath next breath mu and repeat

3. Say (intone) breathe in, breathe out until stable, then say clear mind, mu and synchronise with breath

4. did an interview, I answered Mu with taking out a packet of tissue paper from my pocket. It was wrong. Shifu asked me the kong an for what is eyes, ears nose, mouth used for and I passed easily except for the mouth one, which he told me to ask him back whereby he gave me a really correct function and good answer.

My last method was just intoning clear mind and mu all the way. I find that the trick is not to let the eyes wander around themselves. Sometimes, my mind still wonders with this the intoning of the clear mind and mu would bring them back. Today afternoon was cooler as it was about to rain when we sat there. Night sitting that night was bad. Can’t remember why at the moment of writing.

July 6: Morning was bad, din sleep well, it seems although I slept throughout until3.50am but morning still slept a lot more for the 2 remaining session.

Afternoon was good, ok 1^st session got into sing the breathe in, mu…..that time it as no problem.

July 7: morning It always seems that first morning sittings are always quite terrible. Plagued by sleepiness and all. It was just torturous. Wanting to move and get up. But couldn't. However, after the sitting, the bowing, and waking in the park, i find myself asking for more. It also seems that for all the great vows of a bodhisattva, morning when i wake up, it just seems that it is so difficult. The monks life is really difficult. I find myself asking what am i doing here. And that i want to go back home to civilian life. Morning, when i wake up, i think, the sittings are sheer torture! Just what am i doing this for? Time just seems to fly away. The mozzies bites are really terrible. There must be like at least 40 from the last few days here and they do get itchy now and then.

On the other hand, breathe in breathe out mu is like slowly becoming my friend. It is like always with me, always just beside. Calling mu mu mu, like trying to create some relationship between mu and myself. I have an answer in mind, dono if it will be the correct one. Morning session, first incense was plagued by leg pain at the end. Second incense, Tried an intensive breathe in and out mu, the kind which is like panting, no break between the breaths, no space for thoughts to come in. was great, after i stopped abruptly, donno why, all was quiet. That was it. And i could breathe long long breaths after that. Peaceful till the end. Then next session tried to start the intensive session again. Couldn't work at first. Just din feel right. Then i reverted to taking it slow and using long deep breaths. Then all of a sudden, the urge came, and it started, the panting. I tried my best to carry it through right till the end of the session, my double lotus leg pain din bother me, unlike the first session. The second session was single lotus, no problem. The last session, i tried my best until i got some strange sensation all over my body. Like tingling, a bit of numbness, was very hot. Maybe because of the effort. And was breathing through the dantian. But that was it, the chukpi sounded and it ended. No special thing happened. I am still i. After lunch, strange, while before the morning sitting, mu was a friend constantly with me. Now it is gone. I think there is something wrong...Afternoon session didn't go well, i did a session myself before the afternoon one started. That one went well, became very calm and serene after that. But when i shifted down, maybe because of the mozzies, couldn't concentrate at all. Am very disheartened. Cant even keep my attention on my breath.... They said, dont check and just do it go straight only. So that is what i am going to do, donno if it is right, but i will just keep my attention on my breath for as long and as many times as i can in between all the discursive thoughts. For all the 'dharma' that i spout all day, cant even do the most fundamental of buddhist activity, meditation, watching your breath, intoning with wu, properly. What kind of buddhist is that man??? I am not giving up. I am going to have a go at it again. Dun get it. They say it is simple and yet i cant get it. Argh! Cant even do a simple thing right..back aches a little, mozzie bites abound, come on again! Ya!!! Yup, i think i got something. Added a session in for the night one myself so i did 4 sessions for night. There is this trick that i use. I found it out at the 2nd session and wanted to see if i can carry it through for the next 2 sessions and i did, more or less. The trick is like this, i told myself, hey, let's start, 1, 2, 3 go! And sit straight, start breathing from the dan tian, breathe deep, breathe out, mu.....the important thing is that the eyes must be clear. As in u can see the wall or the floor in front of you. I use my eyes to keep my attention to the breathing and the mu. Then i imagine something like i am shooting laser, electric bolts of mu at the wall in front of me. Actually i did this quite fiercely, all the while din wanna give up and loose my concentration. There was this part when thoughts of my vices came along, i visualised using the mu bolt to shoot it and it was gone! Incredible! Buddha come, shoot buddha, teacher come, shoot teacher! Attachment come, shoot attachment. It is really quite powerful. Time seemed to fly by in today's night sessions, leaving me asking for more. Hopefully this skill stays and i can continue practicing it tmr morning. Donno if the doubts that i mentioned above is part of the great doubt that one should have from zen practice..never mind. Sleep now and hope for a good day tmr! Mu!!!

July 8: Morning, it all starts again, i wake up to a slow start. Today is raining. Difficult to keep focus again. But it is the best early morning session that i ever had i must say. I din expect the chukpi to come so soon. Though the thought of whether the chukpi is coming did flash through my mind. Shit in the stomach also seems to interfere with the meditation. Or maybe it is because of the double lotus posture...

Second sitting for morning sitting was in single lotus. Thought it would be good, but was sleeping most of the time though i tried to keep my focus, but to no avail. Couldn't keep even like 20 counts of breath.

Today's morning session is spent drifting into and out of hallucinations. Maybe a bit sleepy. Somehow i do not have the strength to do the visualisation and did away with most of it. All 3 of the morning sessions were the same. However, the strange thing is that when we went downstairs for the afternoon chanting, when the bell was hit to bow, it was as if i was hearing it for the first time. Very clear and it clearly means to bow. Yup that's it for the morning session, hopefully i manage to do better for the afternoon.

Today, for the afternoon session, couldn't, how to say..was just disheartened again thoughts ran through my mind. Couldn’t do anything abt it. Got frustrated, even thought of squashing the mosquito that was biting me. Was swatting away mosquitoes that was near my hand.. They say dun check. Just do. Well, i even tried to ask the what is wu question to myself and keep the dun know mind from it. I seemed to be more in a daze. Is that dun know mind? I dun think so...then for the last session, totally give up, frustration, anger, all became renewed effort again. They say be a man with nothing to do. Dun get it but isn't that no good at all? But anyway, i think i mu mu mu so many times that just now when i got tired of looking at the floor and looked up at the tree for a while, it seemed to be muing back at me and so were all other things. Maybe it is just my imagination..ah whatever, shifu says to have faith in the method and just do it so i just do it la.

Night session was ok. Nothing much to say, sometimes keeping attention sometimes not. I guess some of my attachments have been cut off but some are still quite deep. Whether i get the kong an or not seems inconsequential to me. Seems like i have given up ya? But i think buddhist training is like that. A bit by a bit. Takes time. So long alr, donno when is the next interview. Sometimes i think a real retreat would be better than this one. At least more ppl practicing there is more together action and more getting into the mood. More interviews with the zen master seriously trying to develop you. I dun know. But i guess i gained something from the meditation. But cant pin point specifically what. Yup that's all for the night. Tmr is fasting day. No water even. But they say tmr we go out to beach. So no training? Then i would only have 2 days left which i dun think will have any progress cos of the beach trip which breaks the mood. So guess maybe my retreat ends here. Morale not really high now it seems..good night.

July 9: early morning session was marked with sinus and sleepiness. Think i spent most of my time sleeping except for 5 min for each session on mu..then since today is the fasting day, i managed to do in another 30 min session myself after the early morning sessions before i had to blow nose. Then i went to take a nap for 30 min in hope that the nose would clear but to no avail. So now i guess i'll go back to meditate till the morning sessions start.

Whole morning session was marked with flu. Dun think i did any beneficial meditation. Best that can be said is that i just sat there. Flu is almost cleared though. But it may just come back again as it like. Got bitten on the lip by a mosquito cos i was closing my eyes while meditating.

Read through kyong ho sunim's inspirational words and was really inspired. Could concentrate better after that. Watching the mind like a cat catching a mouse, never letting go, never letting up. Always seek to find the mind. What is it that hears, what is it that sees. What is it hat chants, what is it that mus, what is it that feels. That is it. So i am working on that now. Meanwhile, venerable has brought us to mersing, to a beach resort, to take in the energy of the nature. Din want to go at first, but shifu said it'll be good so here i am at the beach resort. Nothing much of a resort, just a house by the beach. We reached at around 5.45pm, it is free activity until the next day 5.30am when i have to help with the preparation of breakfast. Was thinking if i'll be free from mozzies, in the end, no. There are even more here.. Oh well, what a lot of mozzies they have here. 2 more days and i'll be going back to singapore. Missing it a little, all the comfort. I think it is the mozzies fault. Haha! By the way, afternoon i managed to squeeze in one meditation session and we did one before going off. Both were good because of the words of inspiration of kyong ho. We reached the beach resort in the evening, cant recall the time. Anyway took a long walk down the beach and went to sleep ealy that night. Thought it'll be free of mozzies and any was i wrong. It was mozzies abound! I tried to do a short meditation after my bath at 7 but in the end have up due to the mozzies. I was alr covered up to my head to do the meditation and i could see like 6 mozzies flying in front of my face so yea, it is quite a crazy place. Even shifu went to sleep in his car that night! Haha! I slept with sunim. I hid under the blanket and used my jacket to cover my head leaving only my mouth exposed and blowed the fan at speed 3 the whole night to fight the mozzies! Donno how sunim felt but sometimes, when my hands are exposed, they would immediately get bitten. Before switchin on the fan, i could still hear the mozzies flying around my head even when my head is under my jacket! Anyway yea, that's all for the beach trip for the night.

July10: woke up intermittently during the night. But finally woke up at almost 5 to do some chanting and help prep breakfast. Drank water the first thing it was past 12. Quite crazy, their fast here is without drinking water! Anyway the next morning breakfast consisted of raw fruits and vege and drinking a bowl of lemon juice salt water. Purposely done to give u the runs. And i did a little. So after lao sai, took long walk down the pristine beach, also to suntan. Haha! Anyway, we passed nus time like that the whole morning relaxing and reading magazines. Then around 11 we left the place. Oh btw, the 'resort' is but a hut. No air con. Yea, so we left, ate some western lunch as we couldn't find any chinese food eatery which server vege around town. But din feel too good after lunch.. Anyway we took a super long and relaxed drive back to the zen centre. Stopped for a break at a coffeeshop and another break at a large grocery store. By the way, the other shifu nun with us became sick after getting my flu. I recoverd while she became worse. She was sniffing non- stop the whole journey. Why did we go to the beach? Shifu told me that it is because sunim was with us. I think this zen school has the culture of bringing their guest monks for sight seeing. Anyway, we reached back to the centre around 1 and the other retreatant had to go back and shifu gave me the practice of washing car and i needed to set up the table and fill the water in the lotus pots and wash the plates and shift the cushions up cos the other lady washed them while we were gone and in between had to bathe too. So was very busy. Then i saw the sms that the inter-religious cca that i am in is having a meeting the next day at 6.30pm. Well since i will be going the day after morning, i guess i'll leave tmr. Shifu tells me there is a boat that leaves at 1, so i'll leave after lunch. We did the evening service and 2 sittings before turning for the night. The night sittings were full of thoughts planning what i was going to do tmr, returning to singapore and in singapore. Hmmm, this retreat is really not what i thought. Or maybe shifu let it be so. Maybe this was not a retreat in the sense of a zen retreat. It is more like a holiday get away for singaporeans. Maybe i should join a real zen retreat. I wanted a zen style, intensive buddhist retreat. But there were just too many lizard shits and mozzies around and relaxing at the beach, washing the car, menial work and the such. But that is what the nun here does, as far as i can tell. After being with shifu for these days, in close proximity, it seems to me that he is nothing special, nothing zennish, of course he can spout great zen speeches especially in chinese (i suspect all these zen speech and koan stuff is just dharma candy, i think shifu thinks so too so he doesn't seem very on abt it), but he still gets frustrated and seems to be quite harsh on the nun. Or so it may seem, he may just be teaching the nun. Cos the nun seems a little stubborn at times and a bit of easily frustrated kind. Haha! But she is a really caring and nice nun at most times. I wonder how she deals with shifu. She always just stubbornly speaks back at him in a calm voice when he scolds her and like nothing has happened, she will just talk to him normally later abt other stuff. Haha! Great letting go. Anyway, the nun works really hard. Although now is the summer retreat period, they make use of every 10 min walking meditation time to do dharma work like going through their speech, articles, designing posters and stuff. Not easy. They practically work their asses off. Oh yea, sunim talked with me this morning in the room, he told me that in zen, meditation is foremost and there is no method, no teaching to cultivate compassion or no teaching abt sutra, just meditation and when i asked if all zen masters are compassionate, he said it differs from master to master. But the most compassionate one he ever met is harada roshi of bu koku ji in osaka, obama. Maybe i'll go check out the place one day. Now that i have experienced meditation here, at this zen centre, i guess i'll not settle for this one right away. I do not really feel the affinity with this shifu, maybe i'll try others. I think i'll try the sambo kyodan's next. Some things abt this shifu, some of his speech, some of his actions do not go well with me somehow. Not that he is no good, he just doesn't click with me. Yupz so its more searching for me. But i still like my home buddhism, shinnyo-en, much better. I feel more warmth there somehow, the environment is much better for me. And i also appreciate the cleaniness of my home much better now. Oh no, is this place turning me into a clean freak? Haha, more attachments to work with! It's 1030pm alr now. Time to sleep! Tmr it is up at 4am again! The last time! Yahoo!! You know, i prefer army to here. I get more freedom there! Haha! Here's great with the chanting and sitting and the buddhism. But compared to army, somehow army life is still better! Cant pinpoint the exact reason though. Hai..., you know, meditation, i've become less attached to this koan stuff, mu....., whatever, i'll just mu and concentrate on the one breathin. I dun seem to really care if i get an interview or anything. I should be content with just meditating. Just being able to sit and meditate actually, i feel this sense of contentment. I think that is what i gained from this retreat. To be contented just to sit there and meditate, whether it be mu or anything. I think, with this frame of mind, anywhere you go to meditate is fine.

July 11: day of departure. Early morning session was alright. Haha, sunim woke us up 1 hour early at 3 instead! And after that we went back to sleep again. Haha! Morning session was fine, but as i was going back, i spent most of my time thinking of what i was going to do when i return. After that came interview, i asked many questions regarding traditions of zen which shifu just cut me short straight away, with the no differance and all but of course, i knew that they are all the same and point to the same place. Today at interview, shifu gave me the koan on joju and washing bowl. Haha! He said my answer was almost correct! I think i know the answer alr. Haha! Next time see him and tell him. What did he attain indeed! Haha! Hmmm..but i still cant pass my mu koan.... Donno what is the answer.... But anyway, that is fine. Mu seems to be a difficult koan.. Hmmm..overall, i think i have changed, i just feel different. I know my meditation has improved, concentration is better of course, posture is better. I need to ty out this new me out in the society to know. If in society, it cant work, then i dun think it is useful. Cant wait to do so..yup, with new found powers and skills, to the society i come. Retreat is over. Oh no, just remembered that i forgot to ask shifu abt the technique to meditate on mu..ah, whatever, i guess the method is straight forward enough. Went a whole round in the retreat with regards to meditation and returned to where i started from. But it is already different. Yep. Oh well, now that i am gone, they ask me if i will go back again, well yes, but with other friends i guess. It is just too inconvenient to go yourself.

Ans to ts's qn on 1 litre of tears

2008-07-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

ts: suddenly so many posts....last time back in 2006 watched 1LoT oso...cried
till cannot...then that time feel that the whole world very grey...what u feel
after watching that

Think i'll reply here instead. Hmm... u know, do you realise that we and Aya both live in this same world? But then our circumstances are totally different, her world is totally different from ours although we live in the same earth which contains the same things.

Many times, i think we live in our own world too much, not knowing what kind of world this is for other ppl. You went to nursing homes like Renci Hospital before right? When we are there, were you shocked by the state the patients are in? Those that were on terminal illness, unable to move much, unable to do anything, the state their bodies are in? Some crinkled up into a ball, some looking only to one direction with listless gaze the whole day with bodily fluid flowing out, some others hands and legs amputated because of thier illnesses. Some ppl totally cant take it. They have never seen such things before. Never imagined that humans, like us can be in such states. Never imagined that there are so many of them around. They live their lives, not knowing how other ppl are living their lives.

We walk on the same on the same earth as them, walk on the same street as them. Yet, their world is totally different from ours. Do you see it?

One day, while walking out of the temple, I once saw a family, both parents and 2 kids, happily hopping into the car. Then I thought, " What a happy family!". Immediately, I reflected, how can there be a family which is always happy like in fairy tales?? Every family has its troubles, its unhappy times. Today, now the family is happy, they look happy, but we do not know for sure, just judging from their appearance. We do not know the suffering they might have gone through, we in fact do not know anything about them. So how can I say that they are a happy family?? What I do know is that in this very moment, they are happy and that is good, that is enough, I feel happy for them. But whether they are happy all the time, their suffering over the many years that they may have endured, the suffering that they will experience in the future, the disagreements between parents and children, the scoldings, the beatings, the crying , so many thing, I cannot know, I cannot imagine, whether good or bad. This world, everyone's world especially in the human realm is not just one colour.

It is not that the world is grey, I think it is just that we haven't seen it yet, the depth of despair and sadness that is present in this world. For us the lucky ones, we are more familiar with the happiness and joy in this world. The world is so vast, we cannot imagine it. All the different states and emotions in this world. The range of the world, we cannot understand or fanthom. The world is not only grey, it has many colours. However, what we can do is to open our hearts, what i hope we can do is to bare our hearts to this world and experience the world for what it is, all of its highest joys and all of its crippling pains. I think only then can we truely know this world and feel this world.

But, we tend to protect ourselves and hearts from pain and things we do not like. That is protection of the 'I'. This 'I' is really troublesome, it is the one that gets hurt. The one that we need to protect from danger. But there is no real use for this 'I', is there? It just gets in the way of things. So I think we should try to get rid of this 'I' in us, only by getting rid of this 'I', can we truely start to understand this world. Truely feel the world, everything in it, every person, every being, for what it really is. Only then, can we truely walk on this earth.

1 litre of tears part 9 (final)

2008-06-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

Aya goes back to Higashi High and she says that she is glad she returns, because she remembers tha the 15 year old her was definitely alive there. You know sometimes, in Buddhism, they talk too much about impersonal stuff like Dharma and practice. However, as humans, many times, we work on feelings. So sometimes, we need to take care of our feelings too. Feelings are greatly affected by thoughts and memories. So sometimes, only through reliving these memories, thinking about the future are we encouraged..as long as we are human. Even as I write these now, it seems so impersonal. Haha.

"Finding out that today leads to tomorrow makes me happier" As of now, I still can't understand that..

Aya asks, "Mum, what am I living for?" That is a big question.

Facing the sandstorm, when there is no shelter, we can either allow ourselves to be blown away or stay our ground or continue to walk forward. Which would you choose?

Aya was given much strength when her doctor said that he had not given up on her. Not giving up is sometimes rather easy. you just go and just do it all the way. Decisions to give up or not usually culminate at a point of yes or no. If at that point, you say no, then you carry on. It is just as easy and as difficult as that. So if we set our mind to it, to always saying yes, and always going on. I think we can make it.

You know, this "feel that i am really alive thing", I think this is actually a big problem in itself. It causes us to always do something. But I don't exactly knows how it feels like though. Maybe I have got to wait sometime. But for now, I think that to do your job well, be of use to others, slowly fade away would be sufficient.

It is to the final 20min or so to the show already. The journey is about to end.

To find a place wher you can come home to always. Where can that be, the place of permenance in a world of impermenance.

In one of the entries in her diary, Aya writes a big Thank You. Actually, everything, everyone is helping us, if only we see and realise. Then we would feel the great sense of gratitude that Aya feels. In her condition, she sees it clearly, many things that we do not see. If only we see what she sees, then our lives would be totally different.

Her writings, her room, her pictures...I wonder how it will be kept. Where will it be kept after her parents pass away. Even these, will pass. And one day, those who do not know its meaning deep enough will just dispose of it and its meaning would be lost. That is how the world renews itself, over and over again.

The sensei says that Aya was an extraordinary girl. The mother says that she is just an ordinary girl. Actually I also think that Aya is an ordinary girl. But it is the choices she makes that is different. How we choose to live our lives, we can choose. We can choose what we want to do, how we want to feel within the circumstances. We can choose. So we should choose wisely and not waste our lives away. I think, only when we have done something useful, then can we die in peace.

1 litre of tears part 8

2008-06-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

Do not rush through it,
Do not be greedy,
Do not give up.
Because everyone takes a step at a time,
It didn't matter how insignificant,
But I wanted to be useful to others.

Bowz, for most big tasks, we usually don't seem to be going anywhere, but if we stick to it, and continue sticking to it, one day, when we look back we will see that there is already a difference.

Aya says in this episode that she doesn't belong anywhere. I think we belong wherever we are, right at that spot. Usually we are the ones who come up with the idea that we do not.

In life, we affect people's lives and people affect ours without us knowing. Our thoughts, actions are all affected. And this, just totally changes the trajectory of our lives....Just like how Aya thinks that Asou has always been helping her. But she has influenced him so much so that he had become much happier and even decided to become a doctor. So how do you want to live your life?

You know, when we spend long hours alone, without talking to anyone, we think of many things, over and over again, the good become better, the bad become worse, everything goes totally off tangent to reality and we imagine many things and believe them to be true. Have you ever experienced something like that before? We totally give in to the tricks that our mind play on us, unable to maintain a centre. How I hope I can be more centered and be able to discern these thricks for what they are and not get taken in by them.

When you become totally useless, how are you to face the world? Just a burden to the world. Are you? We must be strong, there is still much we can do if we have our minds. That is what I feel, even if I am in Aya's case, I may be totally like her. Thinking that we are useless. That is normal. But I think if we train our minds, if we believe in something, then we have a way out.

To see your own daughter becoming like that before you...I don't know, is seeing your child die before you worse, or seeing you child become an invalid before you worse? I recall something a Zen Master wrote as a gift to a family: "Father die, son die, grandchild die". That is good, because everything is in order. But this, this is a totally different scenario..

Youknow, i think sometimes we just got to have more patience with ourselves and the things around us. The more i go through, the more i appreciate the value of patience. Patience is not controlling yourself and emotions like anger etc. Patience is not letting these thoughts have any grip on you, and dissolving these thoughts as the come. That is how I see it.

After her pneumonia episode, I think when Aya opens her eyes, she must be thinking, "OMG!! I am alive." They say it is good to live with that attitude everyday when we wake up. But without going through what Aya went through, is it really possible??

"Reality is too cruel, too bruttal. It wouln't let me have even a dream. When i think of the future, tears come again." That's why they say don't think so much. But how can we control, we cant control what we are thinking...it just comes...All the more we have to master ouselves and our minds...

"Where should I go?
Even if there is no answer, if I write, at least I'll feel better.
I am in need of a helping hand.
But i can neither see nor reach it.
Facing the darkness, all you hear are the echoes of my broken words."

From 1 litre of tears

Facing the darkness, you walk alone. But do you know because you write, you have become the light that brings darkness to the many who follow you. Your broken words have become the answer to others, your trembling hand, the helping hand to others, one that they can see and reach for.

Yay! It works!!

2008-06-14T19:20:00.001-07:00

My bro just came back from a 1month retreat and i think it was truely beneficial. He gave me a good Dharma talk just now! I think it is really good. He just told me about the benefit of having good thoughts, positive thoughts. Pure and simple but with far reaching effects.

The Buddha said,
1. Prevent unwholesome thoughts from arising
2. Reduce unwholesome thoughts which have already arisen
3. Develop wholesome thoughts and emotions that have not yet arisen
4. Strengthen wholesome thoughts and emotions that have already arisen

Simple right? If we engage in this practice day in and day out. Then I do surely think we will become much happier people. :)

1 litre of tears part 7

2008-06-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

"The seasons pass me by pretending not to notice a thing." Aya says in episode 9. Well, a Zen master would say, "Look at the sky, it is still blue, the clouds float by and the river still flows. Don't you notice that your problems all come from your own mind??"......I would say jiayou Aya!!

Moving into the new school, her mother asks, "Daijoubu?(Everything all right?)" Aya smiles and answers, "Daijoubu!(All right)" How reassuring. Hearing this line, how many hearts are put at rest. The power of one word.

Seeing the her roomie with the same illness but at a more advanced stage. I wonder what Aya is thinking. Maybe...OMG....am I going to be like her, having the same stunted speech as her? Seeing the future you as that day by day is really terrible...

Hearing how your child is going to slowly suffer and die from the doctor.....that must be really terrible and heart wrenching. Somtimes, you know, i am not a good counsellor, I usually know how they are feeling, but I do not know what to say to make it better. Wish I could do a bit more...

When you say something and people just don't get what you are talking abt....how annoying is that, how frustrating. Imagine having to deal with that 24/7. Maybe I would talk much less.... But i guess after sometime we can get used to it. But....not being able to talk so freely, i guess i will surely be quite down....drowned in my own negative thoughts and delusions...without anyone to talk to.

Aya says, she would not be able to walk with Asou any more, she would not be the Aya that went into High School with Asou. That they now live in two different worlds. When you set your heart on following someone through their whole life. What kind of vow are you making? When a person totally changes, physically(as in Aya's case) or mentally(as in go crazy) and not be the 'person' whom you dated or loved in the past. What would you do? What kind of commitment are you making? Is it even possible??? The person now that you see is totally different from the person whom you made the promise with. Is the promise even still valid? Are you now with a stranger or with the person whom you made the promise with? With a person who is invalid, but character and mentality is still stable, it may be more convincing to say that this is still the same person. But to a person who is mentally different, can you still say for sure that you would keep that vow and take care of that person? Are you not taking care of a stranger??? Think carefully, imagine, the only similar thing is the body, nothing else!

OMG! Aya's case of not being able to communicate with people because of her inability to talk properly reminds me of me and my grandma. My grandma cant talk much too....actually she can, but i do not understand her. Only my parents, the maid and my sis who stays with her understands. For me and her, i can only smile at her and talk one sidedly. The doc told Aya that the most impt thing is that she has the desire to communicate and the listener has the desire to listen. But in my case with my grandma, we both have the desire, but it still needs sometime and exposure i guess.

The sis says she wants to graduate in her Aya nee's(elder sis) place from Higashi High(which is a good school). Some ppl might tell her to live for herself, and not for someone else. But this is good isn't it? At least it gives her strength and she benefits her also(cos she was never much of a good student previously).

Aya said that in her dreams she usually saw herself running freely, but in today's dream, she saw herself in a wheel chair. She said that, she thought she had fully accepted her condition, but maybe deep in her heart she hasn't. Isn't this always the case, we bluff ourselves that it is ok, we have accepted it, but deep in our hearts, we never believed it to be true, we never accepted it....That's why I always question if we truely know our feelings. In Buddhism, we do meditation. What is meditation for? I think, it is to understand ourselves. To understand ourselves, how our mind works, understand our feelings. What do we really feel, what do we really think. Do not live in a lie, be true to yourself from your heart.

Asou tells her no matter how slow she talks, he would listen to her. Do you know how reassuring is that? But as normal ppl, do we have such strength? Such patience? Buddhism believe we can all do it. They believe the solution lies in the power of unconditionally doing things, the Buddhists believe we can do anything if we master that. Well, if you think through it, it does make some sense. He says, "Even though it wouldn't be like old times, our feelings are connected, so I don't think we live in separate worlds." Well, in Buddhism, I have read countless accounts of such realisations of masters that once they reach enlightenment, they realise that we are not separate, that we are not living in separate worlds. They realise that oneness in all and that's where we have great compassion for all beings, because we are never separate to start with but we have a mental construct that we are and this is our big problem. The realise the non subject-object and jump out of the dualistic world that we live in.

When you have no guarantee of the future, the present is the only thing you can live for. We only realise this when we have no guarantee of the future. But living like that, appreaciating every moment is what brings true joy. Because, every small thing that you receive, every moment that you are given, you are full of gratitude and joy.

My god, even though they say that this is only one life in many, but to undergo such adventures in this life, to live through it really requires 1 litre of tears and more.

In the last part of the episode, she says, doing the 'ma pa fa' speech rehab practice, she 'talks' to herself quite often. And it is no different from talking to somone else, that's why she does it so often.... I don't think i'll be able to do that. It is truely admirable. Her mindset and mentality is such, mine is totally different as i said earlier. She chooses to talk more to herself in a positive way and I will just let the disease and disablilty totally consume me and drown in it, sinking deeper. Our lives can go in totally different directions. How it is interesting that just a small difference in the way we see things can totally change the direction of our lives. But I guess that is human.

You know, sometimes, hearing the songs of this kind of series with moving stories and many feelings, when you hear the songs, the feelings come back. We say there is deep meaning in the song. Even though it may be in a totally different langeuage that you don't know. The songs still works and the feelings come back. But if a person who, or even i myself who has never seen the series hears the song, I may not even feel anything for the song....

1 litre of tears part 6

2008-06-13T20:28:00.001-07:00

In episode 8, Aya says that she knows one day she will have to make that decision whether to leave school. And that if she does leave, then it will be like something in her life has ended. This is true. But we go through these all the time, we just have to be with the feeling through and through and soon we will realise that the feeling will get lesser as the day goes by and new things start to take the place of the old in your lifes. Not as in your memories, but as in what you are doing now and what occupies your mind.

Aya was saying that when she goes to the new school she would not know anyone. But I think it is always difficult, the initial phase. But when you just do it, with an open heart and an open mind. You get through it. Jiayou Aya!!

Ako, Aya's sister was saying that if she studies real hard, she would be able to get into Higashi High(Aya's current school) and she can be of help to Aya. I think this shows a common phenomena that when there is a crisis and someone is in trouble, when we want to help them, we get the extra strength. Also it would pull the family closer together...

Seeing the class discussing abt the issue of Aya, some of her friends feeling the toll of always taking care of her, it reminds me how things are in this world. Once your friendship isn't enough to balance out the sacrifices, this happens. But this is very normal, in this world many things work like that, one's patience may be a lot, but over long periods, it gets worn down. So in the end, you break. The truth is that it is just not enough. That is no problem. We just have to carry on and think of other solutions. No use blaming anyone. This makes me think of what Buddhism always says, Unconditional Love, Unconditional Love. Aya's friend says she helps Aya because Aya is her friend. That is a condition, a condition, the fuel to help as I mentioned above. So once the fuel runs out, then that's it, no more help. So in unconditional, there is no such thing. there is only pure compassion, pure help, regardless of any relationship or any profit or loss. Some ppl may think if it is really possible. I can say yes. Just look at the saints, Mother Teresa, even recent Masters like Master Hsing Yun, Master Seung Sahn, Master Jing Kong, Master Sheng Yen, Master Shinjo Ito and many others, they just do it. If you think to the end, there is no reason for them to do. But they just do it. We may think we are not saints, how can we be expected to do such a thing. But then, to be able to do such a thing, isn't it great? If we just try bit by bit each day. Before we know it, we may be there one day. With all our defilements, all our wants for ourself, all our vices, we may be there with them one day. So for now, we just do what we can, not thinking of gaining, not thinking of any condition. we just try our best. If we cannot do it anymore, then we can only say sorry to the person, we have tried our best. But through the struggle, there can be no regrets, because we have tried our best.

When ppl scold us for our lack of effort, our lack of compassion, our lack of wisdom, our lack of strength, what can we say, we may have a lot of it, but the truth is that it is just not enough. And that is what they are saying so what they say is the truth. So we do not need to defend ourselves or anything. We should just keep on trying. Keep on trying may sound stupid, why keep on trying? Well, there is a stage of trying without trying. Once you get used to always trying, it becomes part of your system. Not to try too hard, but just try, try just enough. The important thing is what my brother always says, to achieve maximum sustainability. What is try just enough? Just enough so that you can keep on trying non-stop. So that you will not like try so super hard and the next day you get totally shagged out and not want to try anymore. No, that is not the way to do things. We try just right, if it is getting too tiring for us, then we cut ourselves some slack. They may say we lack this and that today, it is okay, because if we keep on trying, one day we will make it.

Also, when we see that people have tried their best and it is not enough. Even if the result is terrible, we should not scold them. They have already tried their best. But sometimes scolding is good. Because it motivates them. So basically, regardless the method, the important thing is to keep motivating people.

We may hate two faced people, show and say one thing but do and mean another. But realise that this is a normal way of things in this society. Get used to it already! This is not what they actually want to do, but just do it unknowingly as this is the only way they know to make less problems for themselves and the society. All humans are selfish. We are not excluded. Understanding that, is there anything to be angry about? Is there anything to blame about? We should just help.

Asou says he is just a damn kid, all talk only(after he scolds the class for their two faced behavior of always saying good things infront of Aya but behind her they are actually thinking of chasing her out of school). Sometimes i think this is very normal. We are all like that. One moment we can be full upright, full of morals, saying all the 'right' things, but most of the time we are really not so morally upright. I think it is normal. Somtimes these talk only ppl are good and useful. Imagine if they do not say anything, no one will reflect on themselves. And then there can be no positive change. So sometimes, we must say and should say. But at the same time, we understand that no one is perfect, everyone is still human, 'a bodhisattva in training', to say it in a buddhist way. So when we meet these all talk ppl, we understand. Nothing to get angry about, Nothing to blame about. But we encourage them to live up to their words too. That is how I think.

After crying and talking to Asou, Aya smiles through her tears ad says "Bye Bye" at the bridge overlooking her school. I think this is how it is. It is ok to cry, to struggle, to be in the depths of sadness and pain. Don't have to block that or try to avoid that. Because, it is only after thoroughly going through these pain, crying, suffering of the part of you that you know being torn away from you that you are able to move on and say Bye bye.

Seeing how Aya says how she loves her dad and her mum and how she loves everybody, saying how all of them lifts her up by calling her big sis. I think that is what we should hope to be to other people. The source of hope, love and support of other people. I think only being so makes our lives worth living.

Wow!! What a great speech!! Aya's farewell speech to her class before she transfers to the disability school. She says, over the past year, things she has been able to do in the past have began to diminish one by one. In her dreams she is able to walk and talk normally to her friends, but when she wakes up she has a body which is not able to move freely. Her life has changed totally. What can she do to prevent a fall when she walks? What can she do to finish her lunch faster? What can she do to not let ppl's stares bother her? She can't function unless she consciously thinks of such stuff. Go to high school, then college, then get a job, How she originally pictured her future to be has been totally reduced to zero. She couldn't find how she should live her life. And she couldn't even see a small ray of hope. And she has thought countless times how the disease has shattered her life. But...but....this is reality no matter how sad. She can't escape the disease no matter how hard she cries (this is usually the case, but the crying and realising part is very necessary i think. the disease is karma, but how you look at it is not and you can decide that), and she can't turn back time no matter how much she wants to recapture the past. If that's the case then she need to start loving herself as she is now. That is what she thought. Because there are so many things she realised since she became affected by the disease. Like what a blessing it is just to have your family around(especially a complete and joyful one). or the warmth of a friends' touch when they subtly lend a hand. Or how extremely fortunate we are just to be healthy(so that's why i think we should use this health well and not waste it Sometimes, we do not realise how fortunate we are until we lose everything. When we lose everything then we realise how much we actually had and have now... It is when we return to zero, then we know and can see. If we just only knew). Not all were lost just because she got ill. That body of her's is her. The burden of disability that she is carrying, that is her. The person that she is now is who she is. She has decided to live with pride. that'swhy she has decided to go to the disability school........She and her classmates may exist in two different worlds but she wants to find light in every step she takes. For her to be able to say that with a smile, she probably has to shed a litre of tears(so that's where the name of the show comes from..) That's why she will never think that something in her life has ended when she leaves that school. Everyone, thank you for your kindness up till now.

She leaves the episode with the last words, "So what if you fall, as long as you get up again. If you lok up at the sky when you fall, the vast blue sky is smiling at you today too. I am alive"

1 litre of tears part 5

2008-06-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

"As long as I am alive, I might as well be of use to other ppl." Well, that is how i see it too. If not I really do not know what we this life is good for. Although many times we still have self serving thoughts and bad thoughts, I think it is inevitable as we are all humans. But as long as we have this aim and strive towards it bit by bit, step by step. I think one days we can fully and totally achieve this aim. Is that what they call the Bodhisattva spirit in Buddhism?

The part where her friends blame her for not telling her...bah...kids.....ok patience......

To see an illness as not a misfortune, but an inconvenience. I think that's quite Buddhistic and high level. But beyond that, ppl still get angry at inconveniences. To see an inconvenience as part of life. I think that would be truely remarkable. However, passing the misfortune part, especially for such a serious illness.....I do not know if i am able to do that. Would the many years of Buddhism training be of use? Have I assimilated it yet? I am not sure too..

Asou was saying to Aya that how nice her family was. How nice that she has a place to belong... This place to belong...I too have such a place. And I don't think i'll ever understand the kind of loneliness....But this place to belong..will change..How will we deal with it, can we deal with it? I think that is impt. THis place to belong, on one hand it may be like our family and friends. On another level, it may just be the we that we know of, the 'i'. OUr 'comfort zone'. Are we ready to step out into the unknown?

Mari, Aya's fren stayed in the team in jr high because Aya was there.. Because you were there that's why i could go on. And you suddenly left. How can I blame her for being kids? It is a very human emotion that ppl of all ages possess. Hahaha! I judged too soon. Actually reflecting, many ppl regardless of age can become very childish at times. Acting like kids, they themselves would not know but the people beside them see it very clearly and they refuse to believe it when you tell them, jus like kids. Yes they would think out some sofisticated reason to justify their actions..but just to justify their kiddish actions. This is human. I am not excluded!

These japanese mums..how do they do it? Work and cook? Is that for real????

When Aya finds out that she her parents started looking for special schools for her, she told them that she should decide her future for herself. She knows that she had to give up many things. But giving up her friends, then she will cease to be her....well...it is difficult...but be courageous...We really don't know the despair that she is going through and what had brought her thus far.

In the parent teacher meeting, the mother was grilled on why her daughter is still here in the school as she is inconveniencing everyone... Well, every parent for their own child. It is normal human nature. But do we truely understand each other? When this parents grill Aya's mum, is it wrong? I do not think so. I think this is how society works. Everyone for their own survival. We stay in this world and society, this is how it works. Even if we were them, we would do exactly the same thing. So we can't blame people. It is quite understandable. There is a ways out and that is unless we can change the whole bunch of the society around us. If not it will not be helpful.
"Would you wait until she(Aya) comes up with the answer herself(whether she should leave school)?" I think that is the best. we would if it is within our means. Great compassion.

""Ah, I am so glad." It is alright for me to think that I wasn't always a burden to them, isn't it?" I guess it would help. If it helps we should do it.

1 litre of tears part 4

2008-06-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

At the end of the fifth episode, she says, "In the clear blue sky, the clouds float by." I guess it is during this time when we truely put down everthing that we would notice such stuff...

Even though we cannot do many things, we try our best in the things that we can. Till one day when we cannot do anything. Then we do not do anything. But knowing we have not wasted the time that we could do things, we should be satisfied.

Seeing the stares she receives when she boards the bus in episode 6 makes me think that we should actually smile at the diabled when we see them. Well, then again, they may think that we are just being nice to them since they are disabled. Some want to be a part of society like normal ppl. And by doing anything special, we are making them stick out in society...so what should we do.....of course not stare at them. But smile at them? Or ignore them? Well....I guess I would choose to be friendly.

When the younger brother scores a goal for his team, the whole family is happy. The parents are happy. Proud of their children they say. I still don't really understand that. I would just say well done.

1 litre of tears part 3

2008-06-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

Inconveniencing everyone, yet having to say sorry to everyone with a smile....that is truely a tough order...having to face that kind of stare, wish to just disappear into thin air....

That heart to carry on struggling. To only go forward. I think that is the only prove of our worth.

Sometimes we may advice ppl not to do things, not to fall into traps. But they do not listen. What can we do? I think sometimes it is better to just let them experience it for themselves rather than create more negativity between the two parties.. It is a phase of growing up. They have to experience it themselves to learn and grow up and become stronger. We can only stand by and watch and cushion their fall. My dad always says that is it better to keep the communication channel open between two ppl rather than break it. Cos once broken, even if you want to help, you would not be able to do anything.

In episode 5, when they break the news of Aya's illness to the family, the younger sister, Ako, says that they can't just sudedenly say things like that. That there is no cure for the illness. And she is lost and asks what she should do. The father then explains that it is simple, when a person is in need, we help. When a person is sad and cry, we ask what is wrong. this reminds me of the what Maser Seung Sahn used to say of when is person is hungry you give them food. Basic thing, basic compassion. Many times i think we have this heart, but due to other things like pride, we do not extend our hand. Actually things may just be so simple.

Aya says 'I am...who I am" which is contrary to the 'Yesterday's Aya is no more'. Which means, this 'I', this "Aya' changes every single moment. So when I say I, I am the I now, not just now, not yeterday, not tmr. I am the I now.This is to be in oneness with who you are in the moment. Which means you have no delusion that you are something other than who you are. For example, Aya is not stuck with the image of who she was in the past, that she is a basketball player with everything in the world. She accepts who she is now, someone who cannot really walk well, a disabled. And I think that's where we can start to work things out.

1 litre of tears part 2

2008-06-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Then she gets invited on a date with a senior she likes.. she initially agrees happily. Well..he is also happy. But then she thinks, that now she is sick, should she carry on this? When my future is unknown, how can i prmise anything to anyone?......When my own future is unknown. That is also one of the most scariest things....how do we deal with such things....

But then her mom encourages her to go...saying that is what girls should do at high school. When ppl look at you, they have no idea what is happening, so they talk to u like nothing is happening. So you smile and agree...they do not have to know of such things... And there is no harm in agreeing to something that would make someone happier. Anyway we do not have much time left. We should use our lives well in bringing some joy, love and hope into other ppl's lives. That is how i think. we just try our best and that is enough. If best is not good enough...that's too bad.

At the same time, I think the stress on her parents must be tremendous. With the mother working in a position that requires her to deal with people. How can she gold up to such a stress. Even though I may not know or cannot fanthom what is going through a parents' mind at this moment. I guess it must have been very difficult for them too.

When facing the loss of a loved one...I guess there is no two way abt it. we just have to move on. If not we will be stuck with and in their death and loss. And we will be lost to those around us who love us.---From seeing how the guy Asou behaves...

Sitting on the bus to meet her date, she looks at the scenery outside..knowing she will not be able to see them much longer...they are but something so distant right now(just a personal thought)

But as she reaches the zoo, she looks at the penguins and the kids laughter and enjoyment. She laughs to herself. Infected by their laughter, suddenly your own feelings do not matter anymore. Anyway, there will be no more you in no time. You have prepared yourself for that........ Just for that moment.

When the senior din come but Asou came, she said that somewhere in her heart, she knew that he wouldn't come. She then told Asou that they said she would gradually be unable to walk or talk. And would not be able to pronounce her words properly. Asou once said that humans are the only greedy creatures, knowing that they are about to die yet try to find all ways and means to live longer. But the girl, Aya Ikeuchi then asks if it is really wrong. I interpret it to mean that is it really too much to ask for. At the ending of that episode, the real Aya writes that she wanted to build a time machine to return to the past and if it wasn't for the disease, she would be in love. And that she wanted to cling someone's arm so badly.

Well...the greed part sounds a bit Buddhistic to me. That's what Buddhism always talks abt right, attachment, greed etc. However, in this case, is it really it? Well...I do think so. But Aya is but a normal human, not some Buddhist saint. Is it really wrong to want those things? Is it really wrong to want more? She is only 15 years old, there is still so much she wants to do! So is it wrong? I do not think so... But the waves of the disease just totally sweeps everything away.. What can we do? We are actually powerless to do anything. We can try the best we can but we cannot chase such stuff anymore...You will come to understand soon.....It is better to go with the waves and create something useful out of it. But when the waves prevent us and straps us down. i think we should go with it and continue to try to work with it as best as we can. Fight what can be fought, not what cannot be fought. But I think it is not wrong.....it truely is heart wrenching...but i think it is a process that we must go through. I am not excluded.

1 litre of tears part 1

2008-06-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

This show is about a 15 year old girl who developed a spino cerebullar degenerative disease and how she suffers with it, how she deals with it, together with her family and friends. I actually just watched the 2hr 20 min special. And i think it is a really great show, in that after watching it, I begin to reflect about my own life, how I deal with things. What would I do if I were her..

Now I just started watching the series. I'll just blog my thoughts as I go along.

Up to Episode 4: She walks along the same route to school, thinking, "Though I am seeing the same view like yesterday, walking the same road as yesterday, my whole world has totally changed. Surely I will never laugh like that again." How true is this, one day your world was perfect, the next it totally shatters, everything you know, seems to be different. Everything is different. It is almost like a dream, how can this happen?? How can this happen?? How can this be?? Just yesterday everything was fine, now it is totally changed. Do you understand? Without going through an great experience, of loss, of change...i think we can never thuely understand. It is like a dream, but this dream plays on. There is no getting out. Is that why the Buddhist teachings teach that life is just like a dream?? Since there is no getting out, I think there is only one way forward...what i just said are my thoughts...but i think it mirrors her's. Or is it because it mirrors mine...

What would happen if I too lost my ability to move, things that I have always taken for granted. Actually, this may sound strange, that's why since young, I have always prepared myself for this. I would always play the blind game and go around the house with my eyes closed, feeling my way across the room, across the house. Walk with the least amount of strength and muscle work, climb the stairs that way. But it seems it is inevitable. Preparing for that day. Have I done what I wanted to do. Will i cling on like how she does? I do not know. Ideally Buddhistically, one should not do so. But no one knows if i can accomplish that, until the real day comes or when the disease strikes. Will i be able to let it go..

She then says, " The old me no longer exist." I would like to add that the old life no longer exist.

Actually I think losing the control of your body when your mind still knows what is happening is the most scariest thing.

Mistakes, Regret, what do we do?

2008-06-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

Let's say we make decision today. 10 years later, we realise it to be a bad decision which brings innumerable bad repercussions.

How would we feel?

Deep regret. We would want to change it, make time go back, we would do anything at all, anything at all, we would want to salvage it.

But, there is nothing we can do about it. The hurt and damage is already done.

What happens?
Hurt, pain, wanting to kill ourselves over it. The feeling of deep hurt, pain, regret, it is just so uncomfortable we just want to kill ourselves or someone over it.

OR

What happens?
We recognise our mistake. We recognise that we were young, impulsive, had a lack of foresight, had a lack of judgement, was naive, was lacking in wisdom, that at the time when we made the decision, it was with all our training in decision making from all of the years of our lives up to that point. It was to the best of our ability, with all the available information! If we could go back in time, without the knowledge of what we would know of the future, with our inmature mind and self, with our lack of wisdom, lack of judgement, lack of foresight, we would make exactly the same decision, there would be no difference at all! It was already to the best of our ability with the circumstances we had then! It couldn't have happened any differently. Even if we knew something more, within the stresses of the circumstances then, we might have done exactly the same thing then!! So how? What could we do? We feel deep regret, like it is tearing us apart. But only feeling regret and doing things like injuring oneself and others is no use and not beneficial to anyone. We need to turn this regret and channel it in a positive way, to help someone, to be of service to somebody, to make things better for people, to make ourselves wiser, to improve our foresight, to improve our judgement, to analyse the problem and make sure that we do not make this mistake again. This regret may never leave us and be with us always. But gradually, over time, we learn to live with it, just like how we live with scars. They are but part and parcel of this life. So do not let it consume your life, do not give it more power to wreck your life than it already has. Life goes on, the sky is still blue, and flowers bloom again, that's life.

Things we can do

2008-06-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Trying to help, in the end I couldn't do anything at all. Trying not to create trouble, in the end, more troubles are created. Dealing with a person who thinks he/she knows, thinking things out of thin air, imagining things and believing them to be real, refusing to listen to anything, what can I do? What can I do? Totalling nothing at all!!

But this is normal, sometimes, conditions are not right.....we can only hang in there and just move on...patience is needed

Dharma In Action - Buddhist Youth Conference 2008

2008-06-04T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dharma In Action - Buddhist Youth Conference 2008

Calling all engaged Buddhist youths and Buddhist Youth Leaders!

You believe in Buddhism and its value to today's society. You have always thought of doing more for Buddhism and you are constantly seeking new channels to reach out and share the wonderful Teachings.

Dharma In Action: Buddhist Youth Conference 2008 (www.dharmainaction.net) will be a platform for all Buddhists to gather and share experiences in organizing Buddhist activities and Dharma propagation. On 23 August 2008, we will be discussing milestone Buddhist events organized both in Singapore and overseas. Major lessons learnt will be shared together with the ups and downs of organizing such activities. The speakers will also be sharing with us on their motivations and what keep them going.

Following lunch, we will continue our discussion on the various efforts expended by Buddhists in both music and entrepreneurship. We will explore music and its role in Dharma propagation. We will also be speaking to Buddhists who are entrepreneurs to hear their thoughts on how Buddhism helps them in their businesses.

If you are looking to meet like-minded Buddhist youths or seeking new ideas in Dharma propagation, join us at the conference!

For more details on the event, please log into our website at www.DharmaInAction.net or contact the following:

Bro Victor Lim
9852-2492
sadhu@singnet.com.sg

Bro Teo Puay Kim
9820-7295
puaykim@gmail.com

Zen temple? Zen place? HA!

2008-05-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, I visited a Zen set-up ouside of their temple. They had a huge tentage set up on a hard floor court.

It is a Zen temple after all so I had the expectation of seeing Zen stuff. Clean, Dull coloured, White place, soothing and all. However, what confronted me was very typical chinese temple and typical Singaporean temple stuff. Cloths which dragon motifs, Buddhist flags, etc. Other than the banner which has the Zen circle and the stage backgrnd with the name, nothing else looks anywhere Zennish.

However, Ven Dae Kwang said yesterday that Zen is nothing special. Master Nam Chuan said that Zen is everyday mind. And in the book 'Three Pillars of Zen', Harada Roshi says that usually a person who attains Satori, or Enlightenment, has to go through a period after enlightenment before they clear themselves of the 'stink' of Enlightenment. And it is so. Zen promotes harmony with surroundings.

So if the crowd of the temple is old Chinese and the main teacher comes from that traditional chinese tradition and is familiar also with this style of Buddhism other than Zen, and would like to be of service to these audiences, then of course the set up would be so. There is nothing strange about it. It is Zen after all. Hahaha!

The Diamond Sutra teaches, from without a dwelling for your heart, let your heart be grown from there. Something like, grow a tree from its roots, without its roots. Without roots, how can you grow a tree? Where is it going to get its water and nutrients from? Yet a tree is grown. So why should I be so attached to Zen stuff and looking for Zen stuff at Zen temples? That is a mistake in itself! Hahaha!

Renunciation

2008-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

To recieve something, we have to first empty our hands and then open them. Many times, they are full or we simply just refuse to open them and would just complain that no one gives us anything.

The world speaks to us constantly, we do not realise it. That is where renunciation is needed. Renunciation does not mean turning our backs to the world and all that we know, our parents and our friends. Renunciation is simply giving up our greed, anger and delusion. When we renounce our opinions and our thinking, the world directly contact us and everything becomes clear. In Chinese renunciation is 出家 literally translated as 'leaving home'. Home is a place that you know or stay. Somewhere you are familiar with, a place of comfort. Our minds, our thoughts, our opinions, our methods, our preferences, that is our home, our world. Our world is created by the mind. So renunciation or leaving home, is an act of courage, an act to step out into the world as it is, and not living in the warped vision of the world that we have. It is an act of leaving trash behind, not attaching to these trash and steeping out, moving on. However, are the things which were left behind included in the real world that you are stepping into? Of course, the world encompasses everything. So by stepping out, renunciation, you are not truely leaving anything behind. You are just seeing things as they are, in the same world, encompassing all.

That is why, it is said that renunciation is enlightenment. Giving up, emptying and opening is receiving.

--lessons and thots from reading No beginning, No end. The Intimate Heart of Zen by Jakusho Kwong Roshi

Experiencing Life

2008-05-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

The good kid, protected and sheltered since young, perfect and obedient. Never experienced much. She wants to break out! What has she been missing, what is she missing out on? Hunger to see, hunger for the experience, the excitement. Hungry for the world has to offer.

She steps out, strides far, leaves the nest, flies away, the mother, worried but powerless for this is the growth of a child. That imprisoned spirit, finally the seal has faded, it is released.

Not knowing, the world: hate, sex, pain, love, craft, goals, zeal, enjoyment, happiness, exhilaration, the dumps, the struggle, the battles, the sights, the vastness...

all these stimulation, arrgh, all these feelings,!! Ultimately, all comes to naught, ultimately fleeting, accounts for nothing.

Travelling around the world, can't you see that it is nothing but these? Superficial and nothing useful. In the end, you'll find that something is still lacking. That void in your heart is still not filled. Around the world and back to square one. But not having seen, one cannot help but want to see, seeing is believing. It is growth, it is needed. Sigh. Why do they not believe? Why do they want so much to plunge themselves into this world to come back to where they started?

But yet, knowing this, one still yearns for the world. Why so? Why so indeed..I cannot understand also. Forever trapped in this cycle....A hero is needed

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

2008-05-14T06:50:00.001-07:00

A great read. Dun even know if it is true. But the struggles, the desires, the wisdom, the taking responsibility for your own happiness, the introspection, the courage to change. You can find all of it here. A good reflection piece, are we really, deep down just like her?

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

On the cusp of my 45th birthday, I made the mistake of looking in the
mirror. It wasn’t the bathroom mirror, it was a photo I had from graduate
school. I looked at myself 20 years ago and had a startling and clear epiphany.
It wasn’t a happy moment. It was a terribly sad moment. It was so sad that I
involuntarily burst into tears, something I haven’t done since the dark days of
my divorce.
I looked at the photo and came to the conclusion that I had made
a real mess of my life. I felt the utter misery of my life come in waves of
sadness, regret, anger, and loneliness. For almost an hour I cried as I looked
at the photo of a younger me. I was 24 with a fresh MBA from an excellent
school. I was eager to conquer the business world. I was eager to prove that
women could do anything. I was so much thinner. My clothes looked stylish,
almost sexy. Of course the hair style was awful but that was the 80s and such
styles could be forgiven. I saw the brightness in my eyes, the sparkle of life,
of the great opportunities that were open to me. The world was there for my
taking and I was ready.
But somehow, some way, it never came to be. My life
evolved into something painful and difficult. But until that moment when I
looked at my photo from over two decades ago, I always blamed someone else. It
was never my fault for the bad decisions I made. Typically, it was the fault of
men - my father, my boyfriends, my husband, my boss, my sons. Never, ever was it
something that I had done. When I commiserated with my women friends, they
always supported me. They even supported me when I had my affair, telling me
that my husband was not giving me the attention that I needed. I read the
women’s magazines and every article was about how women were always strong,
intelligent, morally righteous, unable to make bad decisions. Worse, I believed
that any of my needs, no matter how frivolous, no matter how many times I
changed my mind, no matter how miserable I made the men in my life feel, were
more important than anything - motherhood, career advancement, a healthy
marriage, whatever.
I hate the world for teaching me those lessons. I
remember complaining about how my husband never grew up. But as the tears
streamed down my face, I came to the conclusion that I had never grown up. I
never learned about compromise, trust, tolerance, niceness. I was a bitch, pure
and simple. I know now that being a bitch is not about strength or independence.
Being a bitch is about being repellent, unpleasant, unhappy, and lonely. Being a
bitch is nothing more than being a spoiled princess who is too selfish or stupid
to accept the joy in life.
I had become a fat, unpleasant, middle-aged
princess because I had refused to grow up. Sure, I had taken on grown-up
responsibilities (marriage, career, house, motherhood) but at the core of my
psyche was a 13-year-old girl who stamped her feet and whined when she didn’t
get her way. Of course, I had stopped whining years ago but I simply replaced
the whining with emotional manipulation and ornery bitchiness. No wonder I was
still single and my two teenaged sons spent all their free time with their
father.
When I was growing up, being a dilettante feminist, I swallowed the
standard line that women can have it all. I wanted it all and I wanted to make
no compromises, to assume no sacrifices, and to feel completely validated in all
of my lifestyle choices. The biggest mistake in my late teens and early 20s was
to let other women - women whom I thought to be strong, independent, and
intelligent - determine which lifestyle I was to follow. I was simply too
spoiled and lazy to look inward, to embrace the kind of introspection necessary
to find one’s own path in life, the path that could lead to real fulfillment and
happiness.
I remember college well. It was a fun time and I thought, at the
time, an enlightening time. The parties were exciting, the political debates
intense, the string of boyfriends and casual sexual encounters pleasant. I
studied hard and I played hard. I attended the campus feminist meetings and
listened to diatribes from sturdy and self-righteous peers about the evils of
masculinity. I learned to scorn men when I didn’t need them for selfish reasons
- study partners, shoulders to cry on, willing sexual partners. But I was never
hesitant to bat my eyelashes or let my skirt ride up on my then-slender thighs
if I needed something from a man. Men were handy to have around occasionally,
but certainly not required, as my female peers kept insisting.
I learned that
the only place for a woman was in the boardroom and that motherhood was beneath
my intelligence. I “took back the night” at a few after-dark rallies with
hundreds of young women eager to prove to the world that all men were rapists
and potentially violent criminals.
When I got pregnant my sophomore year, it
was easy to get an abortion. The campus health center was almost eager to make
sure the procedure was done quickly and quietly. I never told my parents. I
never told the fellow who made me pregnant. I don’t even remember his name, I
only vaguely remember a wild night with the college hockey team at an off-campus
party. Only now do I consider the irony of how I was attracted to college
athletes in school - the type of men who liked being in control.
Pursuing my
MBA once I completed my undergraduate studies was a foregone conclusion. I was
destined for the board room, or so I had convinced myself. Graduate school was
tough. I was competing with some very bright people, mostly men. Those men were
destined for success and they knew it. But I had something that I exploited. I
had my femininity and I used it ruthlessly when I had to. I tried to convince
myself that the affair with my married finance professor had nothing to do with
grades. Of course, finance was the most difficult course and when I managed
surface at the end of the semester with a B it was hard to rationalize that the
secret trysts with the professor had nothing to do with it. But the ends always
justifies the means and there was no way I would not succeed. The other few
women in my class were doing the same if they could get away with it. We never
talked about it, but it was understood and we sometimes giggled about it and
gloated that we had something the men would never have.
I met my husband that
last year in graduate school. He was pursuing a degree in sociology. The
chemistry with him was quite intense in the beginning. He had long hair and a
motorcycle. He was the classic bohemian and I felt the need to rein him in, to
make him a better man (or at least my definition of a better man). He was
irresponsible and sometimes unruly but I loved him with all my heart and
soul.
After graduating, I found work in a big corporation. Every day I went
to work with my power suit and shoulder pads under my jacket. I walked in my
sneakers and changed into work shoes when I got to the office at 7AM to put in
another 12 hour day. I was married by then in a wedding straight from Modern
Bride magazine. My husband had finally cut his hair after much insistence from
me. He would later call it severe nagging but I got my wish so it didn’t
matter.
He found work in a consumer research organization. He didn’t get paid
as much as me but that didn’t matter. My income was big and growing bigger. We
bought a house I found in the suburbs. He had recommended something more modest
and closer to downtown where we both worked. I would have none of that. My
success had to be readily visible with a big, traditional house and a big lawn.
I made sure he took care of the lawn despite his resistance.
After five
years, I felt the need to have babies. It wasn’t a mutual decision. I wanted
babies. No, I desperately needed a baby. I felt empty inside without kids. It
was a completely irrational feeling for a high-flying career woman hell-bent on
being the next corporate CEO. My husband was cool towards the idea. He asked how
we would balance the demands of being parents and supporting a rather expensive
lifestyle. I didn’t care. My womb was empty. I had needs. Neither reason nor
logic affected my needs or my feelings.
So, the first baby came. Instantly,
life changed. I couldn’t put in the hours I needed to maintain my career
trajectory. My husband changed as well. He quickly lost his bohemian attitudes.
He sold his motorcycle and became a devoted father to our son. Of course, I had
been pushing for this since we had gotten married. His words, as revealed during
the divorce, were “shrill, nagging harpy who relentlessly pushed me into
fatherhood”. But he loved our first son and even offered to work only part time
to allow me to keep on with my career. That would not do. I was the mother, the
queen, the all-knowing and wise creator of my son. My husband was clearly an
incompetent boob who didn’t know a diaper from a car seat.
My boss saw that I
was distracted with my new duties as super-mom. He looked at my productivity and
knew I couldn’t perform like my single or childfree colleagues. So, I was
“mommy-tracked”. They didn’t call it that then. But when a male colleague was
promoted over me, I knew what was happening. I hated it. I was livid. How could
I not have it all? So, I played the feminine card again, this time with a stick,
not a carrot. I paid a visit to Human Resources with a veiled threat of a
discrimination lawsuit. It didn’t work, of course, because it was very clear
that I was putting in fewer hours with the resultant loss of productivity. It
was all documented and defensible. I was furious. How dare they. I summoned up
all the righteous wrath I could. I consulted an outside attorney, a ferocious
female lawyer who was quite prepared to sue until she made a pass at me.
Open-minded I was, but certainly not a lesbian. I let the legal issue drop and
sullenly accepted my reduced role at work. After all, we had expenses to pay and
my salary was certainly needed.
I watched my husband evolve from bohemian to
responsible father. He was astoundingly good with our first son. Of course, at
the time, I didn’t recognize that. I thought everything he did was wrong. Only
I, the supreme mother, could raise our first boy. We struggled for a couple of
years. It wasn’t easy. So, when I got pregnant again - unplanned by my husband,
completely planned by me - the stress continued to grow. Money wasn’t tight but
the pressure to maintain our lifestyle and that big house was mostly on my
shoulders. I resented my husband for that. He had chosen a career he loved but
the pay was not nearly as much as mine. I really had to work and with being on
the mommy track, there was no way I could achieve what I had expected in my
career.
We did use day-care and a part-time housekeeper. Actually, we went
through eight housekeepers. They were never good enough for me. Nothing was good
enough for me. My shoes didn’t fit, my clothes looked bad, the car wasn’t clean
enough, my husband wasn’t up to my standards. Looking back in brutal honesty, I
was a stark, raving bitch. I don’t think I said a nice word in years. I am
amazed that my husband put up with me. I didn’t take him seriously, he was just
a man, after all.
In my limited social life, I spent time with women like me.
We were an unhappy group of 30-something moms with powerful careers. But we also
smiled and pretended that life was perfect. We all had the right homes, the
right cars, the right schools, the right careers. We convinced ourselves that we
did have it all. Occasionally, one of us might vent some frustration at the
situation. When that happened, we always had convenient scapegoats - our
husbands, our bosses, our housekeepers, the schools, whatever. It was never,
ever our fault because we were female.
With one son at five and the other at
seven, it fell apart. Rather, it exploded. My husband just gave up. He had been
supportive to me and good with the children. So, it caught me by surprise when
he just gave up. I guess I should have seen it. I was always using sex as a
weapon with him. If he didn’t do exactly what I said, if he didn’t bend over
backwards to fulfill my every whim, he didn’t experience any kind of sexual
pleasure. I remember I caught him playing with himself one night. I was furious.
How could he experience sexual satisfaction without my control being somehow
involved?
As a healthy woman, I did have my own sexual needs. So, rather than
enjoy sex within the context of a marriage, I had an affair. It was easy. I was
still somewhat attractive. There were men around. “Why not?” I easily
rationalized to myself. My husband doesn’t give me enough attention, it’s all
his fault. The affair was inconsequential, just some sex on weekends and on
business trips. I needed it so therefore it was OK. While my husband was being a
father, I was being an empowered, independent woman visiting cheap motels with a
man who could give me orgasms.
The affair lasted three months. My husband
never found out. He didn’t need to, he just gave up. Interestingly, he channeled
his efforts into a side business as a marketing consultant. This proved to be
quite lucrative for him. Within six months his income had exceeded mine. Our
savings account grew substantially. “It’s for the boys’ college tuition” he told
me over and over again.
I was unhappy. My career was stressful and
unrewarding. My two sons were closer to my husband than to me because of all the
hours I was working. He had quit his full-time job and was thriving as a
marketing consultant, a job that he could do out of the house with just his
computer and a phone. I felt frustrated and unfulfilled. My female friends
recommended counseling. So, we gave that a try. I subtly picked a counselor whom
I know would be sympathetic to me. The sessions were actually fun in a very
unpleasant way. The counselor and I spent 50 minutes picking on my husband. He
quietly sat there and took it, apologizing and promising to change. I didn’t
have to promise to do anything. The counselor - a woman much like me - made it
very clear that my needs were paramount and his needs were completely
irrelevant.
Naturally, the counseling didn’t work for us. My husband
retreated into fatherhood and his growing business. I contemplated another
affair. Unfortunately, I was gaining a lot of weight. At a size 12, it was hard
to get attractive men to look at me. My friends recommended that I consider
divorce. I look back and think about my “friends” from that period in my life.
They were a group of unhappy women trying so hard to validate their own, poor
life decisions. I let them influence me when I should have been strong. That was
an enormous mistake.
I didn’t hate my husband I just didn’t love him like I
used to. I wanted a new and better life. I could raise my sons without him. I
had been reading that kids really didn’t need fathers. I was feeling so
unfulfilled. When I served my husband with divorce papers, he didn’t seem
surprised. I had consulted with a good divorce attorney and she strongly
recommended that I go for everything - house, cars, custody, alimony, child
support, everything. “It’s a war and as a woman, you have to win” were her
words.
The divorce was ugly and despite the fact that I did get the house,
the car, the kids, child support, and the savings account that he had filled, I
ultimately lost. My ex moved out, leaving me to take care of the house and kids.
He moved into a very modest apartment and we agreed that he could see the boys
on weekends. The court actually ordered that to happen. I was happy to force him
out of their lives completely but he was rigidly insistent and that damned judge
agreed.
I was single again. I was ready to date again. But at 38, dating was
not like the wild times in college and graduate school when I was young,
alluring, and desired by men. No, I was a single mom now. I had cut my hair
short and my figure was almost past the point of no return. The kind of man I
wanted to date had no interest in me. Those powerful and successful men had
younger, prettier, nicer girlfriends.
The divorced men were the worst. They
were either so disillusioned that they couldn’t handle a relationship or they
were just hopping from bed to bed, not willing to be exclusive. I so much wanted
to be swept off my feet into the arms of an attractive man to take care of me
and make my troubles go away. I still thought of myself as a princess. I was
still silly, stupid, and immature.
Yet the men I was attracted to wouldn’t
give me a second thought. The men who did want me were totally unsuitable. It
was astounding to me that I wasn’t attractive any more. So many men in college
were after me. I remember mocking all the guys who approached me at parties. If
they had the slightest flaw, I pushed them away, usually with a pointed insult
or two. I never thought twice about the men I rejected, some of them decent and
sweet when I look back on it. My girlfriends and I called them “mamma’s boys”
while we let ourselves be taken by the cocky, arrogant pricks who always made us
feel overpowering attraction and lust.
To make matters worse, I couldn’t fix
anything in the house. My husband had tended to all those matters. My boys were
pre-teens and very difficult for me to handle. They hated the fact that they
could only see their father on weekends. Their grades dropped. They started
having discipline problems in school. Naturally, I blamed their father. It was
all his fault that we divorced and that he lived apart from them. I tried not to
say bad things about him in front of my sons but the feelings were just so
strong. I said terrible things about their father, especially when I was
drinking, which I did a lot of back then.
If I was unhappy when I was
married, I was now wretchedly miserable as a single mom looking for love again.
I tried hard to convince myself that I was a strong, independent, and
intelligent woman. Sometimes it worked, especially when I was browbeating
subordinates at work. I actually hated my job. I made a good living, yes. Yet I
had reached the zenith of my career and the board room was not one bit closer. I
still felt terribly conflicted about being a good mom and being the corporate
woman.
I had lots of blame to dole out. There was no way that the current
state of my life was the result of my decisions. My single girlfriends all told
me that, many, many times over copious cocktails in sundry singles bars. I read
a lot of women’s magazines and the advice I got said pretty much the same thing
- a woman is never to blame.
I tried to lose weight but it was so very
difficult. When I was hungry, I simply had to eat, usually ice cream or
something with chocolate. I had to buy new clothes, again, because the weight
kept piling on. I was set up on a blind date and the man had the sheer audacity
to say “I’m sorry, I’m just not attracted to you because of your weight.” I
never thought about my own hypocrisy about trying to find a man to whom I was
attracted to physically. Men must be attracted to me, I am a woman, after
all.
The past few years have been kind of a blur. My ex husband had found a
new love of his life and I naturally hated him for that. I tried to increase the
child support payments. When that didn’t work, I tried to prevent my sons from
visiting him. They fought me on this. I took out my frustrations at work. My
boss threatened to fire me. Only my girlfriends gave me any support. We had
boozy nights where we ate and drank too much. Frankly, we were a bunch of fat,
unhappy, single women who heaped blame upon the world for the state of our
lives.
So when I saw the photograph from college, the epiphany hit hard.
Through the tears of anguish, rage, bitterness, and denial came the incredibly
painful realization that I was responsible for my own unhappiness. I finally
figured out that I had not grown up and had not truly embraced adulthood. This
was six months ago.
I’ve made some profound changes in my life since then.
First and foremost, I stopped blaming everyone else for my own problems. This
was the hardest. For my entire life I was told - and I believed - that as a
woman, I could do no wrong, that I was not responsible, that I was always the
victim in some way. Over and over I had to tell myself that only I am
responsible for my happiness.
Once I learned to stop blaming the world, I
taught myself to be pleasant and nice. This was hard as well. I had always
mistaken pleasantness for weakness. This is not the case. A new colleague at
work - a woman from the South - showed me very clearly it’s quite easy to be
nice and be strong at the same time.
I also dumped my girlfriends. This was
easy. This group of unhappy and negative women was actually encouraging me to do
stupid things like divorce a perfectly good man because of my selfish and very
arbitrary feelings of the moment. I finally learned that acting solely on
feelings is the realm of children, not adults. Maybe those women will finally
learn that. But I doubt it.
I’m at the gym every day. After being rebuffed by
so many attractive and decent guys, I decided to apply standards of real
equality to the whole dating thing. After all, if I believe in physical
attraction, why should not I understand that men are the same way? Being fat
means not being physically attractive to many, many men so it’s up to me to do
something about, not be angry with men about the situation. The weight is coming
off. It’s a battle, to be sure, but it’s coming off. I’m also letting my hair
grow and getting rid of that awful “mom” hair style.
I no longer read those
loathsome women’s magazines nor do I watch a lot of TV. When I freed my mind
from so many complete misconceptions about men, I learned that men are actually
wonderful people. My sons saw my transformation. As they grow older and become
men in their own right, I have stopped nagging them about “feelings” and
“sensitivity” and encourage them to be men. I doubt I’ll ever mend fences with
my ex husband, all I can do is hope that he finds happiness and joy in his life.
I have a new respect for him, a respect born from understanding that men are
very different, not worse, just different. My ex is also an excellent father, I
am blessed for that.
I’ve learned to accept that my needs aren’t the center
of the universe. That was actually quite liberating. No longer am I a slave to
the whimsy of my often shallow emotions that can’t be reasonably fulfilled. This
means I complain less. If I can’t change the situation, why complain about it?
Winter is cold, my complaints about the temperature will do nothing to warm the
air.
The biggest regret I have in life is being so weak as to not to have
made the serious introspection until this point in my life. If I were truly
strong, truly intelligent, I would have really thought about what is important
to me instead of following the herd. In retrospect, clawing my up the corporate
ladder was a very bad decision. Exploiting my femininity to manipulate men was
even worse. I love being a woman but using sex to get what I want is no better
than a man using brute strength to get what he wants.
I’m still single and
dating still eludes me. There is a glimmer of hope, however, a very nice man
complimented me on my smile. At 45 years old, that was the first time anyone has
noticed my smile. My eldest son noticed it too, “Mom, I’ve never seen you smile
until now.” Life must get better for me. That’s my responsibility, no one
else’s.

Seven Attachments to Patience to Be Abandoned

2008-05-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

With regards to patience....something i find myself to be sorely lacking, one of the 6 paramitas(perfections)

We must also abandon the seven attachments to patience: (1) Abandon
attachment to hatred, which is the opposite of patience. By abandoning doing so,
we are able to maintain patience. (2) Abandon postponement, or the idea that
when someone harms us, we can harm him in return now and practice patience
later. Patience should be practiced at the moment harm is inflicted on us. (3)
Abandon being satisfied with the amount of patience we are practicing. For
example, when someone harms us, we may exercise a little patience, feeling that
it is enough and that if we control our patience for just a few minutes, we can
return the harm after that. We should never be satisfied with the amount of
patience we practice; we should always keep increasing it.

(4)
Abandon the thought that we are practicing patience because we will gain some
reward in this lifetime. For example, when someone injures us, we shouldn't
think that later he will like us or reward us because we have been patient with
him. (5) Abandon the thought that we are practicing patience now to have
happiness in a future lifetime. We should abandon any thought of reward for
performing virtuous acts. We should practice merely for the sake of
accomplishing virtue. (6) Abandon the thought that we do not need to have
patience with little things, that it is allowable to become angry over small or
minor events. (7) Abandon any thought or conceptualization at the time of
practicing patience. For example, we should not practice patience while thinking
of becoming an Arhat or thinking about gaining personal liberation.

- Treasures of the Sakya Lineage: Teachings of the Masters (Migmar Tseten) p.174-175

This is

2008-05-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

Nothing is what it seems

Have a good day.

ooo work

2008-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Meditation retreat got lots of people from our side!!! Incredible!! replying to their emails. tmr man booth. Think ppl would find it strange that our side always got me there which shows that we are short staffed. But will be manning with XM tmr. which brings me great joy. then go to school for meeting, then back to orchard then to KM hse. hopefully a Kuanyin Pu Sa appears, if not i will have to work a little bit harder. haha!

3 very special girls

2008-05-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Here, I introduce to you 3 girls with 3 characteristics which I find very special and admirable.

1. RQI
This girl has the super innocent eyes, the most innocent eyes that I have ever seen in my life. Her eyes are the 水汪汪 kind. And of course, she is also super innocent and nice. If she really looks into your eyes, you really can't bear to do anything bad to her. I really wonder where they make this kind of people. Totally incredible!!! Reminds me of the character Oboro from Basilisk whose eyes can neutralise any ninja's technique with a stare.

2. GY
This girl has the sincere eyes. When she talks, she looks straight at you (not sure if it is into your eyes) but i think her eyes do not shift around and always gives me the very sincere feel. Then she is sometimes like a bit no reaction. But I think she has got lots of feelings, can tell that she is v sensitive and attentive. And there is the other waiting to break out of the shell, adventurous side of her. Usually not much expressions, but when she gets excited, you shld see her expression! Her eyes become big and she totally comes alive! Haha!

3. XMI
This girl is just the always happy, bubbly girl. Really love to be around her. Her energy is just great. When I first saw her, she comes across as a girl fresh out of sec school, although she is really alr in uni. Nowadays, she is becoming older, or rather, matured I can feel it. It's slowly changing, although she still has that bubbly, happy, cheery, bouncy character. I always feel that it is that kind of 童真 which I think we cant lose. And that is important. It is like the positive vibe and energy manifested!!!

Patience

2008-05-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

These days I seem to be losing patience with people. Which is not a good sign. Yet I start to see some of my very deep rooted negative natural responses and feelings. However, almost seems as if I am powerless to correct it. It is really strange...can it be that what they said is true? i do not think so..

Good ppl cant stand bad ppl do they dun stay in the company of bad ppl. Good ppl cant stand bad ppl. They think they are above these bad ppl in some cases. But how can one be above the other?? No differences to start with how can have any differences when end? There is much more to be learnt and practiced. Patience..patience is not 忍 and control and store everything inside. Patience does not involving controlling and keeping and suppressing. It involves letting go.

Buddhism is supposed to be applicable to daily life. So if it is not then there is something wrong somewhere in between. Sometimes, I find talking to Buddhists easier, cos they understand. A fixed view already there in the first place. Clears up many further qns. If one is too curious/clever/sharp, then sometimes it may be difficult. And I get challenged and it is difficult for them to understand things my way...I think I have got to be wiser and more established in practice. However, at the rate I am gg now...wait long long...step by step

ME?? Singing???

2008-05-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

practising to sing for an event....totally crazy!! sing harmo and solo for a few lines some more... practice until very shag, dunno what will happen tmr...fingers crossed!!!

Tagged by TS

2008-04-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

1.如果你有特异功能，你会干什么?
Q If you were to have special powers, what would you do?
A: I have no grand plans, just use it when I see people who needs help and of course for my own convenience without anyone finding out that I have specail powers.

2. 最满意你身体的哪一部分？
Q Which part of your body that you are satisfied with?
A: If I have to say, it would be my legs cos I use it a lot.

3. 认为自己哪一个优点最讨人欢喜？
Q What is your strong point which other people like?
A: I have no idea. I think it is because I am totally open with people?? (if you care to ask)

4. 希望有个怎样的恋爱？
Q what kind of relationship that you will be hoping for?
A: one that is not stressful but beautiful

5. 你最想去哪个地方？
Q What place have you been wanting to go?
A: Japan, Korea, China, to all the great temples on the mountain tops

6. 最受不了自己哪个缺点？
Q What weaknesses of yourself that you cant stand most?
A: My incredible laziness

7. 如果有不开心的事情，你会怎么办？
Q: If there is an unhappy event occurs, what would you do?
A: complain to ppl and it usually disappears quite quickly after that

8. 最害怕失去的东西？
Q: Thing that I am most afraid of losing?
A: I think it is my sanity. But then again, when I lose it, then it does not matter anymore. So...cant thing of anything else.

9. 现在最想做的事？
Q: Thing that you want to do the most now?
A: Sit down and study properly for my exams

10. 若遇見喜歡的人，你會怎樣做？
Q: If meet the one that u love, what would you do?
A: Get close to her, spend time with her and evaluate her suitability critically through observing her and testing her out

11. 说出点你名的人的3个优点。
Q: List out 3 strong points of the person that tagged you
A: Caring, friendly and always brings joy to those around him :)

12. 你最希望你的另一半对你做的一件事？
Q: What do you most expect your other half to do to you?
A: Walk together with me (figuratively)

13. 遇到不喜歡的人﹐你會怎樣拒絕?
Q: When meet someone that you dont like, how would you refuse him/her?
A: For B/G relationship, tell him/her politely but tactfully. For normal day friends, be accepting and throw the part of him/her that I do not like out of the window for that is a problem with attachments to I, my, me, opinions and thots. Although I dun like him/her, it should not be a problem. We encounter situations/ things/ ppl that we do not like everyday. Can't be that we keep avoiding them and running away.

14. 你最讨厌怎样的人?
Q: Which kind of person that you cant stand most?
A: Those who say but never do. Those who anyhow accuse others and those who are slippery.

15. 你觉得最美的事物是什么？
Q: What thing that you feel is the most beautiful in the world?
A: Hm....hard one, the world is always beautiful. It is I who fail to see it. This keeps on changing for me, I cant really pinpoint something exact. Like just now, I just saw a music video of the Corrs and i think the lead singer, Andrea has a really beautiful voice and is also really beautiful.

16. 能夠感動你的事情，是什麽？
Q: What could possibly touch your heart?
A: Some action of incredible kindness.

17. 如果能让你实现一个愿望，会是什么？
Q: If you were given a wish, what would it be?
A: To have unlimited more wishes

18. 你最期待发生的事情是什么？
Q: What do you want most to happen?
A: To have the ability to see through and know everthing clearly(enlightenment)

19. 觉得人生最重要的事情是什么？
Q: What is the most important in life?
A: this

20. 如果能回到過去，你希望能夠回到什麽時候？做些什麽？
Q: If you were to travel to the past, what period you wish to travel to? What would you do at that time?
A: Go back to the time of the Buddha, first council, second council, Nagarjuna, the Great Zen Masters, Bodhidharma, Huineng, Dogen, the Great Shingon Masters, Nagabodhi, Subhakarasimha, Amoghavajra, Huiguo, Kukai. Visit all the great temples in the time of their greatness. What would I do? Just sit in and watch and enjoy.

And who do I want to Tag?
Since TS has tagged so many people from BS, I will tag some of my own.

1) Kian Boon
2) Ga
3) Ben Tay
4) RX
5) Peiru
6) Meifei
7) Jacinta
8) Yantengy
9) Eddy
10) All my cousins!!!!

My practice?? My Dharma?

2008-04-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

This one power!!

"Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Should
I meditate or develop more merit first? Let's hear what Ajahn Chah has to
say
When we follow our own views on practice, our own opinions about the
Dhamma, we can never see clearly what is right and what is wrong. We don't know
our own heart. We don't know ourselves.
Therefore, to practice following
your own teachings is the slowest way. To practice following the Dhamma is the
direct way. Lazy you practice; diligent you practice. You are aware of time and
place. This is called "developing the heart."
If you indulge in following
your own views and try to practice accordingly, then you will start thinking and
doubting a lot. You think to yourself, "I don't have very much merit. I don't
have any luck. I've been practicing meditation for years now and I'm still
unenlightened. I still haven't seen the Dhamma." To practice with this kind of
attitude can not be called "developing the heart." It is called "developing
disaster."
If, at this time, you are like this, if you are a meditator who
still doesn't know, who doesn't see, if you haven't renewed yourself yet, it's
because you've been practicing wrongly. You haven't been following the Teachings
of the Buddha. The Buddha taught like this: "Ananda, practice a lot! Develop
your practice constantly! Then all your doubts, all your uncertainties, will
vanish." These doubts will never vanish through thinking, nor through
theorizing, nor through speculation, nor through discussion. Nor will doubts
disappear by not doing anything. All defilements will vanish through developing
the heart, through right practice only.
~Ajahn Chah~
Quoted from:
Bodhinyana ~ The Training of the Heart http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/chah/bodhinyana.html#trainingThis
is message sent to me by my sis few years ago.Enjoy.With Metta
Posted by
sovacassata at 8:06 AM 0
comments

"

-quoated from http://sovacassata.blogspot.com/

WOAH, nothing to say, only BOW

Early Mornings

2008-04-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

it is 6.05 am now.

Just woke up on a friday morning, not that i have school. It is approachin the end of the semester and the lectures have started to taper off. Today is the first the days where because of the tapering of of lectures, i do not have to go to school. And why am i up so early? I have no idea too.

Today is a good day. i do not have to get up early to rush for anything. So i get up early just because i got up early. Then i have to get a mic and a spliter for the mic. We have invited Ven Chi Boon for a talk on the Zen Mind. Hopefully more students come. If not it'll be such a waste for them. Ppl nowadays have so many deadlines to meet, they hardly have time for themselves. THeir lives being led by these deadlines.

Yesterday I was just thinking......i have forgotten what i was thinking about... someone should do a live recording blog. Something like a picture blog with voice recording so that ppl like me with terrible memory no nid to remember what to say. However, i was thinking and thinking something along the lines of how to go about our daily lives.... when i remembered reading about how the Zen masters would talk about experiencing this world as it is truely is. Truely drinking a cup of water. This kind of experience, all the time, 24/7. Is it even possible???

With my Mu koan....i am not getting anywhere with it. It still seems to be stuck in some intellectual crevice in my mind among the many other things.

Argh!

2008-04-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

All the explanations in the world is not even useful.
All the things in the world not even worth a cent.
The child takes over his parents' job.
Round and round we go again,
Propelled by some unknown force.

Late Nights

2008-04-07T11:15:00.001-07:00

It is one of those late nights again. Quietly working in the still of the night, with a song by my side. Tic tak tik tac, the keyboard goes... it is time to be sleeping...Good night and good day my dear friends.

---In our way, there is no coming or going.

Dotz of Circles

2008-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

()0o()Oo00o0oO0o0oO()()oo00oo....

Support their Cause!!! YEP to Laos!!

2008-04-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

Nice and cute shirts!!

http://walk-infelicity.blogspot.com/

Camp Ehi Passiko 2008

2008-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Camp Ehi Passiko!~ Pursuit of Happiness

‘I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness.’– His Holiness The Dalai Lama in The Art of Happiness

The badgering question is: ‘Am I really happy?’ Am I really fond of the never-ending chase for success, only to be rewarded the transience of its satisfaction? Do I have loving kindness for all beings? Do I have the wisdom to confront challenges in life?If any of your answers to the above questions is ‘no’, Camp Ehi Passiko is the camp for you! At this camp, we will explore how the timeless wisdom of Buddha can be used to make your life happier and more satisfying.The Buddha’s take on how to achieve happiness will be shared with all of us through various means, such as talks, discussions and workshops conducted by Venerables strong in their practice and our friendly alumni with rich experience in applying the Dharma into everyday life. Welfare service to Ren Ci Hospital will enable you to spread your loving kindness to the less fortunate, while meditation sessions enable you to seek for the peace innate in our minds. What’s more, we’ll be going for a Vegetarian Food Hunt all over Singapore to sample vegetarian dishes of all cuisines and prices – we assure you that vegetarian dishes are as tantalising as non-vegetarian ones!

What are you waiting for? Register with us now!
www.nusbs.org.sg/cep08

Date: 23rd to 26th July 2008
Venue: Shuang Lin Monastery
Fee: $15 (members)$20 (non-members)
Contact: Jacinta 94243869 Rui Qi 97505629
cep@nusbs.org.sg

Day 1

2008-03-21T08:26:00.001-07:00

Wake up( from sleeping on the floor) 5.45am

Went to sleep on bed

wake up(9 am)

meditate

shit

bathe

breakfast

chat with mum and bro

chanting with mum

do jap HW, msn

Lunch

do jap HW

do bdae card for fren (2pm)

finish card(4.15pm)

go out, table in a mess(4.30)

tried to take cab, all the cabs changing duty, no one wants to pick me

take bus 28(4.55)

arrive at PL station take train to Bugis(5.20)

Buy Vege cake and back to station(5.27)

take train to Outram Park station(5.38)

go up Evergreen buy books and leave for chinatown(5.58)

walk to chinatown station

reach chinatown station(6.08)

find a floor and started wrapping gift

wrapped gift went to find them below(6.13)

found them, supposed to have met the non bdae ppl at 5.45 and birthday girl at 6 (6.15)

went to vege restaurant to eat, was quite nice

left for home(9.40)

reached home (10.10)

relax; read book ; pack table

bathe(11.00)

online(11.10)

blogging and msn(11.20)

now(11.45)

-

2008-03-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

When arising and falling ceases,

calm is the bliss of Nirvana......

Some clarification

2008-03-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, thanks for asking how I am. I am really fine. Flu recovered almost on that day itself and I am not sad. Hahaha. Just spread a little too thin I guess. But it is no problem, when we put everything together and think, things become very many and heavy, but actually if you just do it one at a time, then there is really nothing to worry about or be stressed about or be distressed about. Nothing much at all, totally created by the mind itself. The mind playing tricks on itself, thinking of things to stress itself and make life more difficualt for itself. So pls do not punish yourself by doing that. Haha! And please do not worry about me :-) Looks like the readership of my blog is not bad! Haha!

Ok, the last time i asked my Zen teacher how we should practice 无 or Mu(in zen language or japanese language) during my interview. He taught us that when sitting in meditation, after breathing in, when breathing out, accompany it with Muuuuuuuu.

I knew from the stories that traditionally, the practice of Mu would have to permeate every facet of your life and every pore of your being. So I asked him how should we practice Mu in school during lecture. He replied that when in lecture then listen to the lecture and dun think about Mu. But when I am not doing anything in particular, like walking from place to place, then I should engage in the practice of Mu in such a way: eg, when walking, then every step, mu, mu, mu, mu. All the while with attention based in the hara(jap) or 丹田dantian(chinese). Then slowly the practice of Mu will be become a habit and our energy centre will be strong even if we cannot yet break through this barrier of Mu. He says slowly, everything will just be Muu.. He says that, the huatou Mu, is a very important barrier in Zen and if you pass it, many koans 公案 will be easy.

If anything comes along, he says MU will be like a Diamond Sabre, cutting thru everything(exactly like what the Mumon said in the commentary of the koan collection Mumonkan) Yup, so continue working on Muuuuu...

The sky is clear again

2008-03-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

Dunno what was happening the last few weeks. Anyhow, I felt terrible yesterday and tdy. Felt terrible as in there is this hidden pek cekness behind my mind. Yesterday, i caught this terrible flu(dunno from where) and when I blew nose, my mucus was transparent yellow. Something i have never in my life seen before. Usually it is not transparent. Yesterday's was like jelly. And I cried the most in many many many years. Just kept on tearing until my eyes were swollen. Now I know how terrible it is for this good fren of mine to cry till her eyes swollen and how much she must have cried and how sad she must have been to cry so much but that is another thing.

Anyway, my another good fren, J, saved the day by giving me a yellow flu tablet and provided me a place to sleep. I actually could not sleep but just lay there for like 1 plus hour or was it 2 hrs? I dun know. Anyway, after I got up it was better but my right eye was still super swollen. Like kena punched like that. Really jialat man, had to cancel my movie trip...

The pek chekness.....i think it was a sort of accumulated mental baggage (烦恼), like everything is not going well, studies no where, cca also no where, many problems. Although I am usually still rather carefree, I think they do leave a stain on my mind still and the stain accumulated. So i think i became more irritable too. Sorry anyone i offended. Even my morning meditation was terrible. I could not concentrate properly the last few mornings too.

HOWEVER, all these changed when i went back to Kwan Yin Chan Lin for the last lesson of my Zen Course just now!(and i am not advertising for them or anything) I have totally no idea what happened. All I know is that i went there, sat meditation, legs pain and all, first time legs numb, maybe because i tried a new position. I happened to sit facing a pillar with words on it and i happened to be sitting and looking at the word 白on it and kept staring at the word, as zen meditates with eyes open. Eyes refused to look down to the ground, so i gave up. The word disappeared and and appeared again, and transformed into many things. Concentrate on the dan tian, thoughts flying around and around and around and around and around. What is WU??? this that this that blah blah blah.

In the end, we still could not get the answer for what is WU. But somehow or rather, coming out of the zen centre, havin meditated for the last few hours, I felt totally refreshed feeling like all the baggage that i have been bringing along was gone and i felt so happy. Just so carefree again. It is simply amazing!! Ok my eyes still hurt and I still have my tutorials to do. But no problem, now is time to sleep, tmr have to go for escape theme park outing, I'll try to do my work still and try to run earlier from the theme park outing.

Yeap! Jiayou guys!!! By the way, now i am advertising: Kwan Yin Chan Lin is buying a new premises and builing a new zen centre and they are looking for donations so if you would like to donate to a good cause, here is a good way to invest a money.

To live easier

2008-02-28T06:59:00.000-08:00

To live a easier, happier life, we have to be live harmoniously with our surrounding situations.

To live harmoniously with our surroundings, we need to have less conflicts.

To have less conflict, we must be easily adaptable with the surroundings and situations.

To be easily adaptable to the surroundings and situations, we have to have lesser clashes of opinions with people and with situations when they do not go in the way we want them to.

To have lesser clashes of opinions with people and with situations when they do not go in the way we want them to, we need to decrease our attachments to our opinion on things or issues.

When we have less attachments to our opinions on things and issues, then anything is not a problem anymore.

However, we still have a problem, which brings conflict, which causes us to be unable to live happily. People fault us for our lack of opinion.

Having a lack of attachments to our opinions brings many problems in the modern society. So we must have attachments to some kind of opinions and ideas. So what kind of opinions and ideas should these be? When should we be attached to our idea? What are the principles that govern it? Can these principles change too?

A tribute to Ah Gong

2008-02-25T00:21:00.000-08:00

"Ah Gong!! 早!! (Morning!!)"

"Eei! 早,早(Morning, morning)."

On the way to school, I would usually pass by Ah Gong, sitting on the steps, resting after his morning walk. He does this, everyday, with great difficulty on his roller supporter. Then he would attach a string to his supporter and then relying on the handle bars of the stairs, climb up 4 stories all the way back home and slowly reel up his roller supporter when he reached the 4th floor. He used to swim too but stopped 1 or 2 years back.

Ah Gong is actually my neighbour upstairs. It all started when my mum asked me to call him Ah Gong, and I continued for the next 11 years. A nice jovial guy, with his cap, grey bermudas and white shirt, doing the same thing everyday, constantly, though with great effort. I have always wondered how he manages such a punishing task daily and never knew why he did those long morning walks. He moved, a step at a time, each step with enormous effort, pushing his roller walker forward, step by step.

A weak yet strong Ah Gong. Self reliant, he never let me help him up the stairs, prefering to walk up himself. I wonder if i would have such strength at his age... I highly doubt so, even at my age. I never really talked much with him, 95 percent of the time not exceeding the 2 lines at the start. Nevertheless, there is a certain part of him, already deeply etched in me.

Dear Ah Gong, I never really knew you. But my friend, constant companion throughout the last 12 years, you may not know your impact on my life, but I'll always remember you.

"Going to school?"

"AH(yes)!! Ah Gong bye bye!"

Prayer of the heart

2008-02-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

All misdeeds through endless past,

Born of ignorance, greed and hate,

Committed through body, speech, mind,

I now repent at Buddha's feet.

Karma arises of the mind,

And of the mind is repentance found.

If so the mind disappears,

Karma follows and so falls through.

Mind gone,

karma lost,

both being empty,

Such is called of true repentance.

I now vow,

In the Buddha's Hall,

To follow through,

With the Buddha's Way.

To bring to shore the limitless beings,

To cut through all greed, anger, delusion.

To master all the Dharma Gates,

To step right through to the unsurpassed.

To all who gathered,

I bow to your feet.

In reverence, determination

And in repentance.

Please bear witness to this vow,

I beseech you all Great Bodhisattvas.

If one day, my heart is shaken.

Please help me regain my way.

Just a random post

2008-02-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

Oh well, 2.30am on a CNY eve with nothing to do and no school today. After reading a few friends' blog enteries i just decided to write a random blog entry.

Over the last few months, life has been comparatively harder. However, it has been just as rewarding, if not even more, it has been testing, which reveals my flaws, attachments, impatience even more.

It seems my memory is getting worse though, not sure if i am getting stupider, I cant really seem to understand the lectures nowadays. And everything seems to be moving at a much faster pace. Since i cannot remember what was the last lecture, i naturally cannot follow up on the next class. Looks like i'll just have to work harder and put in more effort. I think it should be true that memory detriorate with age and it is more difficualt to learn things when you get older. Taking jap2 now, everything is so fast that i sometimes seem so utterly lost in class.

As such, i am going to make the best use out of my new year holidays to catch up on all my subjects and hopefully give myself a head start after the new year.

Recently, i have been getting my life in order, setting up a schedule of what i am gg to do at what time of the day. Like morning wake up do metta

May I & all sentient beings be free of enmity
May I & all sentient beings be free of anger/hate
May I & all sentient beings be free of bodily suffering
May I & all sentient beings be able to continue to be happy

then sit up, do 10 min meditation. Then start the day. Bow to Teachers, Bow to Buddha, then eat breakfast and am out of the house to school. Chant while on the way to school.

Study study study, do my best, make the best use of time, every minute, dicipline dicipline dicipline. Do what I have to. Then go home, the time i like the most, read a dharma book while on the train. Then go home, do homework, dicipline, dicipline, dicipline. Then bow bow bow, then chant then sleep. Been trying to do the metta before sleeping but always forget about it...

This metta thing is quite fun, something i learnt from kaizhao shifu. He was really a nice monk, a bit gangster style, but very funny.

Then been attending a zen course by Kwan Yin Chan Lin. So far it has been rather fun, solving Koans and hitting the ground. Still stuck at the first gateless gate koan, the Joju's mu koan, but at least i have finally followed thru with a proper meditation course and started following a method to meditate. Trying my best, hopefully it help me live better.

I have only been reading Zen books recently, those from Subong Zen Centre, chinese versoin though. Someone recommendad this book on the biography of Shunryu Suzuki, maybe i'll go borrow it tmr from library. It is called Crooked Cucumber btw. I also read 2 books, during the hols. Reincarnation by Meckezie, talking about the boy reincarnate(some ppl would not like this word) but i'll use it. THe other book is a book on Zen by Shunryu Suzuki called Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, super impressed and inspired by it. Ok, now i am getting very sleepy, will turn in now.

The Buddha teachings and me

2008-01-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

The Buddha's teachings:

Profoundly simple

Me:

Simply profoundly obstinate

Just Breathe

2007-10-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Breathe in
the air that nourishes all
Breathe in
the love from all the trees and grasses
Breathe in
the love from the earth and the sky
Breathe in
the life which infuses everything.

Look around you, everything around you, hear, breathe, feel. The world around you, comforting you. Take in their strangth, they nourish your every pore. Imbibe the life. Release your ills.

The world at peace.

10,000 Dharmas return to one, where does one return to?

2007-10-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dharma Talks
Hidden Treasure of Korean Buddhism
Dharma Talk by Mu Ryang Sunim at Ja Kwang Sa, Korea, May 16, 2004

----from http://www.koreanbuddhism.net/hwadu/content_view.asp?cat_seq=3&content_seq=123&page=1

(Holding the stick in the air and hitting the table)
Mountain is water. Water is mountain.
In the Heart Sutra we just recited it says, “Form is emptiness and emptiness is form.” This is the fundamental Buddha’s teaching of impermanence, which means everything is changing, changing, changing.

(Holding the stick in the air and hitting the table)
No mountain. No water.
This means “no form, no emptiness.” If we are thinking, and attached to the changing world of form, then we get suffering. But if we cut off all thinking, then there is no form and no emptiness, also no suffering; also no I and no you. Descartes, the famous French philosopher, said, “I think, therefore, I am.” But if I am not thinking, then what?

(Holding the stick in the air and hitting the table)
Mountain is mountain. Water is water.
This means “form is form and emptiness is emptiness.” Everything is just as it is. So, we have three statements: Mountain is water, water is mountain. No mountain, no water. Mountain is mountain, water is water. Of these three statements, which one is correct? Which one is the truth?

KATZ! (Shout)
Mountain is high. Water is flowing.

Today I would like to thank all of you for coming here. Especially I would like to thank Chong Ah Sunim for having these talks every month. It must be very difficult to schedule monks, nuns, and teachers from all around the world. I appreciate his effort very much.
Most especially, though, I would like to thank my teacher, Zen Master Seung Sahn; today I am borrowing his dharma and sharing it with all of you. Seung Sahn Sunim has spent the last 40 years bringing this hidden treasure of Korean Buddhism to people all over the world. So I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Today I would like to speak a little bit about his lineage in Korea. So I will tell a few stories of Zen Master Man Gong, and his teacher, Zen Master Kyung Ho, who lived over one hundred years ago. Behind this temple here, in Gye Ryong Mountain, there are many famous temples. One of them is called Dong Hak Sa, where a lot of Buddhist nuns live and study the sutras. It has always actually been a sutra temple.
It is interesting to look at the shape of mountains.

I was a geology major in college, so I have some interest in topography, which is closely related to the Korea tradition of wind-water geography (feng shui).
Dong Hak Sa’s location is unique because there is one mountain which the temple is facing directly. It looks high and conical, like the point of a calligraphy brush, sticking up. It is actually called, ‘Mun Pil Bong’ or ‘Calligraphy Brush Mountain.’ Tradition has it that because it is there right in front of the temple, people who go that temple naturally just want to pick up a book and starting reading words. So that temple always has been a sutra study temple: not much Zen meditation practice but more sutra study.

Kyung Ho Sunim practiced there. First he was a student and then he became a sutra teacher there at a very young age. He was famous for being very unorthodox as well as quite smart, and he learned the sutras quickly. Normally in a sutra school, there is a very organized, correct and proper way of studying sutras. First, monks put on their ceremonial robes and kasas, and then sit properly and correctly. I see that you all do things very well here, that you have been taught by Chong Ah Sunim to follow the rules very carefully, so you will be very good in these sutra schools. But Kyung Ho was not like that. Instead of sitting properly and reading sutras upright, he would relax in the rest area room and would read the sutras lying down on his back. Some monks were very upset and told their Sutra Master, who then got very angry. “Kyung Ho! Why are you reading the sutra like that? That is very disrespectful! ” And Kyung Ho said, “Oh! No, teacher! I am not being disrespectful. If we read sutras like that, then our breath and our saliva can go all over the sutras but I want to care for them properly so I keep them over my head. ” So then what could the Sutra Master say? Anyways, Kyung Ho was like that. He was not your normal monk.

He got a very big question traveling through a town where everybody had died of cholera. Suddenly he realized that he had been studying the Buddha’s sutras which deal with life and death, impermanence, and questions like, ‘what are human beings?’ and ‘what is the truth?’ He had been studying these sutras for many years, and still he was afraid of dying. So he returned to his temple, Dong Hak Sa, and said to all of the monks, “I cannot teach you any more. Go away! ” ----------part 1

A Buddha

2007-09-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

In Tokyo in the Meiji era there lived two prominent teachers of opposite characteristics. One, Unsho, an instructor in Shingon, kept Buddha's precepts scrupulously. He never drank intoxicants, nor did he eat after eleven o'clock in the morning. The other teacher, Tanzan, a professor of philosophy at the Imperial University, never observed the precepts. When he felt like eating, he ate, and when he felt like sleeping in the daytime, he slept.
One day Unsho visited Tanzan, who was drinking wine at the time, not even a drop of which is supposed to touch the tongue of a Buddhist.
"Hello, brother," Tanzan greeted him. "Won't you have a drink?"
"I never drink!" exclaimed Unsho solemnly.
"One who does not drink is not even human," said Tanzan.
"Do you mean to call me inhuman just because I do not indulge in intoxicating liquids!" exclaimed Unsho in anger. "Then if I am not human, what am I?"
"A Buddha," answered Tanzan.

From 101 Zen Stories

Hahaha, this is really funny!!!

Tons of Sandballs each weighing a ton

2007-09-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Of late, there have been tons of sandballs flying all around me. No where to run, no where to hide. Only to dig my legs into the ground and hold my root while practicing taiji. All is well so far, thanks in no small part to my good Masters from Shinnyo-en who have taught me solid leg and foot work. However, my shoulders and waist ache from all the taijiing. Hopefully with such training, my skills can grow and I would finally be able to taiji the big balls of sand effortlessly without sustaining any major injuries.

With faith.
With strength.
With heart.

The Great Bodhisattva Spirit

2007-09-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Whatever you would have me do to benefit all beings, let me do it"

Tenzin Palmo

The Great Way

2007-08-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

I said: Where else is the Great Path if it is not before you? My friend said: Makes me feel like it is behind. I said: Oh yeah, where else is the Great Path if it is not all around you.

My mistake.

Thanks friend.

Zen Zazen Testimonials

2007-08-19T07:26:00.002-07:00

Reading Philip Kapleau's Three Pillars of Zen really makes one want to start Zazen(Meditation) and experience their Kensho(initial awakening) immediately. It is just so inspiring!!! Especially the part of the stories and testimonies of Kensho. It seems so near yet so far, one more step one more step! When can i go?

Clowning around

2007-08-19T07:26:00.001-07:00

Recently, my friend offered me a job as a clown giving out balloons for two days, 2hrs each time. When I heard about it, i thought it would be really fun and accepted it! Haha! It turned out to be so! With the paint on my face, I could do whatever i want! All the antics i have always wanted to do! It was truely liberating! Everyone should try it! What i had to do was just to walk around some shops near an MRT station and give out balloons. While walking, i could walk a dumb walk, march, run, chase after kids, play with the aunties, play with the shopkeepers. Play with adults, play with everyone i see. Act like a kid at my age, be a nice caring person and pat the head of a child, play with babies without regard to anything. The best part was when ppl started saying, " Haha, so cute!" Enjoy myself and get praised at the same time!!!! Hahaha! Where else can you get such a job??? Just let your creativity flow, let the inner child out, be super firendly and just play!! The motto of the job, "Make people Happy" It's so simple!